Show me

Show me the picture
that fills your head
Tell me the things
that cannot be said
Explain yourself fully
and open your heart
Honestly, bravely
before time to part
I hold onto secrets
that squirm in my mind
Harboring feelings
in boxes that shine
Tucked away truths
learned over time
need coaxing to surface
but the feeling sublime
To free yourself fully
and walk away fine

MgM (c)

Life is Good

jasmine white, crisp and bright
sparrows in flight, high as a kite
flutter down happy to seeds
black collared barbet punching the apple
doves lift and drop while the mousebirds squabble
kitty sits quietly, interested, keen
purring lightly amidst moments to preen
light dragonfly spins and hovers over water
geckos cling warmly to a roughened wall
bees gobble gladly on an open rose
some kind of bugs they rise and then rest
do nothing now, the scene is set
to watch and marvel
truly blessed

MgM (c)

All of me...Ayahuasca Jhb

I felt called to do an Ayahuasca ceremony. I couldn't get to my pain. A few friends had spoken about it and I was so drawn. I wanted to experience it in the most authentic way and decided that I would sell my car and fly to the jungle. I had watched some footage and knew this would release me from my demons.

I got a call from a friend to say that there would be a ceremony, if I was serious, in Johannesburg in a few weeks and a Shaman was coming from Peru. Taking ayahuasca he knew, was no joke. A mindblowing expansion that one may not be prepared for and once you're on that rollar coaster you can't get off for several hours. I was serious and booked my place.

I decided to do a waterfast for three days before ceremony, which may have been, in hindsight, a bit renegade.

A shamanic friend had asked 3 days before, where I held my pain? I indicated my pelvic area - it felt as if I was carrying hard black rocks tied around me.

The group arrived at the huge house the night before, for a greet and blessing before the ceremony the next evening. We stood in a loose circle and in a quiet room the shaman stood in front of each participant and blessed them. He stood and looked right into my eyes and pointed his finger at my pelvis. He said his blessing over me and finished blessing the circle. We all left silently to set our intentions for the ceremony.

On arrival, I saw a huge room with a beautiful shiney wooden floor through large glass doors. We were led outside into a vast garden where silent participants stood or sat smiling and ready. We nodded greetings and I was taken in to choose a spot against the wall, to lay out my bedroll, blanket and cushion, to position my bucket, water and tissues.

There were already others sitting quietly on their stations. The Shamans with assistants were quietly chanting and cleansing the area. 

The lights were dimmed and candles quivered. The air was thick with expectancy and reverence, smudge and Palo Santo (holy wood)

We were led in a meditation for 20 minutes. Everyone was connected. One by one the participants went to the front to take their blessed drink and return to their bedroll.

Eyes closed and waiting for another 20 or so minutes for the journey to begin, my heart was beating so hard, I was trying to breath deeply and relax. 

A call for another drink to deepen the experience and I took another portion.

I don't remember getting back to my bedroll.

Someone was crying so deeply, body cracked by heaves of sorrow and the Shamans were singing the most beautiful songs and chanting, chanting.....they were around me, very close by.

The moment I realised that it was me crying I was transported to the middle of a veld. I was lost, I couldn't see anything but dry golden grass, that was taller than I was. "Look up", she said in a beautiful clear voice. . "There is a bigger picture", I looked up at the blue sky, there were no clouds. "Dont blame them, its bigger than that". My friend had said that if I got lost in my journey that I must call for Sheba. So I did, Sheba, Sheba I called and a huge German Shepard came through the grass. He lay down with me and I was filled with joy. My sister came through the grass and said, you think you're the Queen of Sheba, and stroked his fur. 

I was in the chair of a hairdresser. She was teasing my hair for my Aunts wedding, my sister and I were flowergirls. I was babbling and very hyped up, "this little bitch just won't shut up!" I stopped in my tracks it cut so deep. "It's not her fault", Mother Aya placed in my heart an understanding of the hairdresser and showed me that I had held this to me and now I could let it go.

I was under my babysitter, I could smell her French kiss and feel her hands.

"Look up, rise out of it", Mother Aya comforting instruction.

My dad was hitting me, fearfully cringing and confused, "Look up, it's not his fault, he doesn't know" There's more, it's bigger than him.

Each incident was replaced with Joy.  Aya showed me that I was hiding my little girls in a zipperbag around my pelvis.....keeping them there, heavy as rocks....

I was aware of angels with me for the whole journey. I thanked Mother Aya for my children and my human angels, I felt so grateful.

All of me

Come back to me
my little girls
my shattered self

Jump on my lap
be cuddled warm body
hug me tight and giggle softly
you're safe in my arms tonight

Piggy back child
Where did you hide?
cling tightly to me

There's another under the bed
no need to be scared

Run into my heart
sweet dark haired child
I'll lift you up on high
I'll hold your hand
protect your plan
fill your eyes with love

Come back to me
my little girls
the lost one and the lonely
they'll never laugh at you again
riding on my shoulders

I'll put them back where they belong
these sacred parts of me...

MgM (c)

Slay the Dragon

My eyes turn to find the shadow
Sitting on my side that turns away to hide
Come out you dark and disgusting thing,
cowardly courteous sulking smugly sick sacrilege
Your stench is sour and surly, suggesting sin.
I'm free and I'm whole!
Take that slap and this one too...
 I'm perfect!
and with it your gormless guilt.
Sis on you evil enemy, draping perfect beings with shame, covering their beauty
Short lived shadow that falls away completely at loves bright and even slightest beam.

death will come in time

We crane our necks and look to see what others need to do,
we look behind us wide eyed preachers, remember what they did. 
The finger wags, the future dark and we don't sleep for worry.
Rest assured and wind your neck in, let the history go. 
There's very little about our future that we're sure to know.
Stay here and now, this very moment, breathe deeply, soft' your brow.
Count your blessings one by one, allow your face to shine
There's nothing bad that can't be fixed...... and, death will come in time.
There's love and marriage, hugs and babies, friends and lovers too,
Enjoy it all with an open heart, each day comes fresh and new.

MgM

You're enough

Off to the desert said tarzan of the apes

I'm sick of the usual cobra snake steaks

I'll be warm and dry, with no mozzies and flies

No rain for a year, what a pleasant surprise

I'll swop said the bushman for trees are so lush

And the shade of the forest in the heat is a must

I'll lie in a hammock and get drenched by the rain

The sand and the dunes are always the same

Oh give me a big house, a car and a boat

I've been struggling enough with a skip in the moat

I'll be happy with holidays, glamour and glitz

I'll be calm as a river if you take me to the ritz

I'll swop said the rich girl for contentment and love

You can have all my rings and even the gloves

Peace can't be bought with a large bank report

Alternative sources of pleasure will be sought

Consumers in malls with enticing stalls

Hypnotically searching for purpose

I have a list and I need this and this

I have plans, I have work and there's Christmas

Even king of the apes gets sick of grapes

And the aridman lives for the rain

Straight hair wants curly and bushy wants bald

Looking ever outward we get so bored

We are sitting on treasures too great to explain

We're alive and we still complain

Better to be dead cause I'm still not happy

How's your mind! Look around! Life's insane!

Walk away from the droll of the empty day

And just be yourself in a peaceful way

There are wonders to see, look for miracles in me

Make a difference in love……..you're enough

(c) MgM

Just over your head...

There's a battle raging in the heavenly realms,
a sinister chess game for slovenly souls
Look up! Look sharp! Protect your person...
There are spirits around will oblige for certain
bartering market for unconscious minds
"they're dead in the water, so why not oblige?",
say the evil contenders, amassing a throng.
Draw your sword it's time for action
tension rising in opposing factions
be the light against the dark
Your silent arrows hit the mark
Stealthy, knowing, healthy, glowing
be prepared and wisdom friend,
be brave and fearless, nearing end
Times are changing fast

MgM (c)

Metal Ox

I would rather be an ox than a monkey in the tree

I’d rather have a steadfast base with some stability

There’s more to say for growing old with gentle repartee

Than a monkey on my back, playing tricks on me

Hey ho Monkey off you go to war

Hey ho Monkey I’d rather be a bore

I want peace for all it’s worth and I don’t think it’s wrong

Spread some love, hug some hugs and sing a happy song

Hear a laugh and an honest cry with a shoulder good and strong

Leap in joy for all you’re worth and sound your deepest gong

Hey ho Monkey off you go to war

Hey ho Monkey I’d rather be a bore

I would rather be an ox than a monkey in the tree

I’d rather have a steadfast base with some stability

There’s more to say for growing old with gentle repartee

Than a monkey on my back, playing tricks on me

MgM

Law

Barristers bustling in black heavy bearing
Itchy hot wigs need a scratch with a ballpen
No wonder they're irritable and angry to scalding
Their toes sticking close in a shoe that's too tight
Feet throbbing begging in shining black boxes
Just imagine the frustration as it leads to a mauling.

Throw off the dark heavy hot judgement gear
Relieve your head with an ice cold beer
Untie the tight and binding laces
Free your feet to walk in soft places
Let go and let god, let the universe steer
Spreading your toes to the air of small graces.

MgM

Limirick fun

There once was a man from paternoster
Who walked with a gun in a holster
He said stick em up
But the bullet got stuck
And he landed aloft in a dumpster

                                *

There was a young woman from germany
Who made the best stollen to give to me
I took a small bite and spat it right out
She'd forgotten the raisons and bourbon tea 
I took a tight slap to the back o' the head
And looked up in wide eyed surprise
Her face was red when the dog bit her leg
But she shook him off with a kick
I said, "no more" and made a move to the door
When she charged me with pan in hand
What a day to be had when the energies bad
And the sky is confused with a cloud
I'll go right on home and get pleasantly stoned
And send blessings and love to the toad

from capsules to crystals...

Lost 'n lonely missfit pisscat
permed 'n sprayed and called a spoiled brat
pop a pill to smile and cook that
be prepared to hug and slug spat

slowly dawning ray of light bright
slips into the darkened right night
tiny tic(k) perception prickles
skin awareness gooseflesh ripples

awaken lost 'n lovely missfit!
pour the pills into the toilet
punch addictions face with fistfuls
dirty stubs of ash 'n slimeballs

find yourself with precious purpose
live the day free flowing focus
sip a cup of healing thistle
light 'n bright you're clear as crystal

MgM (c)

The Drum

As I passed the circle for the first time drum beats rose into the air. The little shop was full of the instrument of rhythm and I joined the throbbing circle with my numbered skin.

I needed this. I needed therapy and this was my cheapest option. Driving home in a sated state I knew that I’d be back, where I could hide and hit and thump and play.

At the end of the year and the last drumming circle of 2008, I clutched the birthday money and knew I’d have one of my own. The drums and digiridoos that I had left behind left a sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I didn’t realise how much they were and when I put my large hand on the drum that I could afford, my fingers reached over the edge. I decided to double the amount to R800 but was worried about December coming up with no work.  I could see the size that I needed and although it was still a little small, it was perfect. I dilly dallied with the sizes. I brought up one drum and then another asking the size and price. Mine was in the mix but R300 more than I could afford. I kept asking and swopping drums and the crowd in the shop grew. As soon as the lady gave me an R800 price on a R1100 drum, I literally shoved the money into her hand and was chuffed that I had got “a bargain”.

I pushed the reality of what I’d done deep down under my anger and entitlement. I justified my deception and thought that in the great scheme of things it was very minor.

It never worried me, I forgot about it, until I bought a new drum that I could well afford. That night started pricking lightly at my mind. My heart was healed and I had been on a roller coaster ride of amazing healing and self discovery.  I had red beads tied on the first drum and couldn’t put red beads on the new drum.  The red beads were symbolic of my “bleeding time”, my grief, over the loss of my old life.

My ex-husband got engaged last Sunday. I felt complete release and freedom, a welcome reaction and measuring stick of my spiritual growth over the last 6 years.

I knew that week that I had to get to drumming, although I didn’t connect these two events.

When I realised the drum was gone I was strangely calm. I went to tell my friends that I thought it had been lifted and in support of my loss sent the thief many curses of damnation, lambasting him with bad luck for years to come and many awful things to happen. Right at that point I knew that it was unfair and I confessed to them and begged them not to send bad vibes to the sweeper of my last chapter.

I then posted a pic of the drum on the social media and made it public. I received a barrage of pity for me and fury at the thief. Another spiritual friend reminded me that their karmic debt and all curses sent would be added to mine if the drum wasn't mine in the first place. I'm truly grateful to him. I deleted the post.

.....it was time to confess.

I’m embarrassed and very sorry. I had in the six years come to feel so much for the owner and his family, which made this even worse. I also know that this is perfect in the plan for more depth and understanding of how the karmic wheel turns and how gracious and stupendously precise universal discipline is.

I let the “bleeding drum” go with love and know that the next person will learn the lessons that are so exacting if they are interested to learn and grow, and make restitution, even if it takes 6 years.

I'm a Leaf

Softly falling,
gently curling
where am I going to land?

Crisp and dry
in the winter sky,
tree top overhead.

Branches bare,
there's time to spare,
to say goodbye to Summer.

Looking up,
a spiral smile,
a twist then flick to floating.

I greet the bloodhound,
welcome earthbound,
sway on in, I'm home!

Silent landing,
light and gracious.
Glad I'm not a stone.

MgM (c)

Honey Bee

You land on me like a honey bee
drawn by loves sweet nectar
light and soft you circle oft
and hover, steady, gliding.
Hypnotize with loving eyes
and sparkle, bubbling laughter.

Come rest in me
sigh deeply on
a bed of clouds 'n cuddle.

Come rest in me
allow the sea
to spray a dewy drizzle.

Magnetized by your surprize
an open box of treasure
Reaching in we sink or swim
the edge is long forgotten.
Open arms we flale and gasp
then comes contented measure...

MgM (c)

Diana Cooper and the Angels

Diana Cooper, Angel Seminar 3 May 2014, Wanderer’s Club, Illovo

Rubbing our hands together Diana explained how to feel and become aware of our auras. We all grounded and protected ourselves throughout the 12 chakras (5 disappeared after the age of Atlantis, but now returning and re-instated). We are moving toward the Golden Age in 2032 with many people reaching  spiritual consciousness in the time between now and then. 2012 being the mark of the end of the Age of Atlantis.

Each Archangel was called upon and from Sandolphyn spinning black and white becoming silver under our feet in the Earth star chakra, grounding and anchoring me to the earth, up through the root chakra (Platinum) Sacral chakra in pale pink and the navel chakra in orange, protected by Gabriel . The solar Plexis covered by Uriel in gold and heart by Archangel Chamuel in pure white. Throat chakra is royal blue with Archangel  Michael  protecting. Third eye was depicted as a crystal transparent ball of green.  Jophiel is at the crown chakra with it’s 1000 petalled lotus. The causeal chakra is the domain of Christiel in pure white, the soul star chakra, Zadkiel is magenta and Metatron who looks into the sources eyes on the stellar gateway chakra in gold.  The soul  star covered and enveloped me and sped up and down my chakras. Small to the bottom and up to the top increasing in size like wide open arms until it reached all of the universe. Then Archangel Chamuel’s  protective light  was called upon, Metatron’s  Gold light poured down the middle and holding forth and then pouring in the bright white light of Christ.

Diana explained to us that we each have a protecting Archangel and we should ask who it is. Although I know I have a specific protecting Angel, I use the four she mentions later most of the time.

She said that some of us had a dragon, which would burn away any negative energy at our command. We could use him either up and down our Chakras, at a specific place or around a specific person.  My dragon is called Joffre and I felt immediately calm at feeling him at my side.

……opening the heart chakra…….. in couples we covered our partner with Chamuel’s protective pale pink light and the gold light of Metatron. We opened first the outer layer of 11 petals, slowly one at a time, then to the next layer of 11, down to the layer of 9 and the last 3 petals right on the inner circle of the heart. We sang the name of the person into their heart with all the love that was in our own. Then we very gently whispered their name right into the center of their heart.

The diamond meditation connected us to all that is abundant and wealthy. Placing the diamond shape around and over us, and proceeding with our walk with diamond energy radiating from our being. This could be used to cover your house and the desires of your heart and soul. We then had to envisage everything that we wanted and how our lives should look in abundance. We then told our partner our vision as if it was already so and then claimed that it was already so.

The thousand petalled crown chakra was opened in the same way as the heart, firstly covering and protecting with Chamuel’s light and then the gold light of Archangel  Metatron. This literally felt like a crown of a thousand petals. My head reached up and into and fit the crown. It was connected at the tip of each petal with the outer reaches of the universe. A feeling of prickly heaviness came over my head and my mind felt very open.

In groups of three we rubbed our hands creating a ball, a sphere of yellow light and meditated on an animal coming into that light and the message it gave us. In sharing, there was a wolf and the message was to trust. I had NinjaKat and her message was simply to “Enjoy”.  A dog was present and his message  was “not to worry quite as much.”

We connected to the elementals in a quiet glade.  I had a green pixie jump into the palm of my hand. We were instructed to become a bridge between the elementals and the animals. We then were introduced to our unicorn, who showered us with blessings and we were instructed to get up and go along for a ride. The ride took us out into the universe up, up, up, and then deep into mother earth where we were introduced to Lady Gaia.

 We were introduced to our birth families before we chose them and assured that we were here for a reason and had a special purpose. Lady Gaia told me how much she loved me and that she knows the journey had been tough, but that to fulfill my purpose, everything was as it should be and perfect and that I did belong and that she understood and loved me before I came to earth. Right here was where I cried for the journey being as tough as it has been and shed some of the heaviness and loneliness.

I cry as I write this. It was like meeting my long passed over Grandmother who loved me so very much and who I miss to this day. I felt the unconditional love from Lady Gaia seep deeply into my heart.

Protection always………..Calling on the Archangels for protection we were instructed to visualize a large circle surrounding us. I had Angel Michael covering the front portion of the circle in deep blue. Raphael stands to the right quadrant of the circle in pure white. Gabriel standing behind me filling the back quadrant in green and Uriel on the left,  filling that side with yellow light. Sandolphyn again holds the area under my feet with silver light (platinum) and Metatron holds the top position in gold light. The pure white light of Christ is then pour over and into enveloping everything.

We made an intention to Seriphum that whoever was right to lead South Africa into the next few years should step forward.  We did this with seven long “Ohms” (this was a request from one of the audience)

Diana listed 12 masters like Peter the Great, Jesus, Abraham etc that had their own function and we were to choose the one that resonated with us. Mine was definitely the 12^th, being St. Catherine of Sienna and her function of igniting in a person a spiritual flame. We got together again in a trio, shared our Master and handed over our Karma to the master. The two other parties then helped to draw the Karma out of our bodies. Very powerful and I was very hot and flushed after.

We called on Mother Mary and received her cloak. This was amazing as Diana led us through a meditation where sprouted wings and could reach out and envelop those that we wanted to bless and send them love and a far reaching unconditional love hug. I can still feel my wings and will use them every day. 

What an amazing gift!

Gaia and the Diana Cooper Seminar

She led us to a safe and peaceful place. The sun was warm on the soft grass with wild flowers, trees and a beautiful large pond. A unicorn came quietly through the trees and bent down. On his back I felt safe and the journey to middle earth was smooth. Gaia sat on a huge chair and looked at me lovingly. Her smile was gentle and her eyes shone. Her arm spread out and circled to the group standing quietly watching. I want to remind you that you chose a journey before you were conceived that we knew would be difficult. You are a strong one. I want to show you your parents for the journey - and with the other hand opening, they stood before me - so young, they were so young is all I could think. There they all were.

I nodded. Have a look, she said, at all of your guides and angels that have been with you all of this time and will be with you till the end. I looked at the angels, the horseman with the headdress and the cloaked smiles. This is your family. It is they who will welcome you back.

It’s so much easier to forgive when you understand.

Thank you Diana Cooper

St Germain has been talking to me and reminds me of the seminar that Dane invited me to - Golden Eagle, “Sorry that you got lost…

Mandy, You can’t hide from God.”

The Sweat Lodge

The Spiritual journey continues with a trip to a sweat lodge facilitated by a shaman, on a smallholding in Johannesburg.  As we drove, I was aware of a light tension headache, apprehensive at the thought of the ritual. The "lodge" is similar to an African Hut with a small low doorway. Twenty participants crawl into the lodge after a sage smudging (cleansing with sage smoke). We take up places around the walls and pack in tightly sitting cross legged with knees touching. We have prepared for a cleansing sweat ceremony and the red hot rocks are brought in from a huge fire outside,through the small doorway, to sit centrally in a sand bowl dugout.
Water is smacked onto the rocks with a bush of lavender and the door closes, plunging us into darkness. I wasn't prepared for this. We are instructed not to communicate with each other. I saw the tiny patches of light shining dimly through the woven "womb" and the ominously glowing rocks and calmed my rising anxiety. The heat was already unbearable, but I kept my focus on my breathing and calming myself, "you can do this ,we are  all together, you can do this, breathe". After ten minutes the wave of panic hit me. It rose up through my chest and gripped a strong hand on my throat. The urge to get up and run, to get out and scream was huge, my mind and body rebelling. I rocked myself and watched the sensation until it receded somewhat and I was in control again.I kept telling myself that any "rebirth" ceremony was bound to be uncomfortable.
I hadn't coloured my hair for 2 months. I had taken off all nail polish, taken out my belly ring. I had stopped using petrolium filled aqueous cream and my body had complained angrily with an itchy rash over my trunk.
The facilitators and shaman started singing beautiful comforting songs and asked us to bring up into our minds all that we were grateful for. I brought my children to mind and thanked the universe for being custodian to these wonderful souls and my heart filled with love.
My vision was of a large snake slowly moving and shedding it's skin. One of the first of many steps to renewal.
The doorway opened and as the light streamed into the area, I closed my eyes. More rocks were brought in to increase the heat. I didn't want to see the "physical outside". I wanted to stay in my heartspace where I'd created a place of calm.
We were back in the darkness for the second session. Some heavy breathing going on in the lodge, more water, more herbs(creating some smoke) and more heat.
For most of my life prior to the start of my journey I had been part of the Christian faith and had belonged to an evangelical church practicing laying on of hands, speaking in tongues, healing and visions. My tongue came to me and I started after the prompting of the shaman to sing or hum. I had a strange feeling of listening to my words and listening to the words around me - My heart filled with awe as I realised that the shaman was using the same words as I had received in the church, probably 15 years prior.
I was thrilled and knew this all somehow was linking up.
We sang until the end of the second session while a large bottle of water was passed around. My bladder was starting to complain and I tried to calm myself and control the urges. I was feeling full of love and exilarated.
The third session started after adding more rocks, more water, more smoke and even more heat.
The shaman led us in a Chakra meditation. We sounded out the Chakra notes for each and my voice was strong and confident.We started the humming for throat Chakra, and I had no voice! I couldn't believe it. I tried and tried and it was as if something had stuck in my throat. We moved on and I struggled to concentrate. I became extremely nauseous and my bladder was screaming at me.
My tension headache took full hold and gripped talons into my forehead and I rocked myself to keep from panic.
The door opened after the third session, there was one more to go. A man asked if  he could leave the lodge and was given the go ahead. This was my que. I also asked to leave the lodge and crawled to the doorway. Outside I felt punch drunk and disorientated. I head towards the bathrooms bent over double, relieved to be out and disappointed to be out, all at the same time.
On returning to wait at the fire outside the lodge (you can't go back in after you have left) I had the assurance of a large Monarch butterfly, one of  my totem animals, that all was in place. I sat on the bench and looked at my hands and feet that were swollen smooth and fat and sobbed into my facecloth.
I took a rock and cleared a space in the fire where I threw my facecloth and places a few twigs over it. I pushed away the thought, "she never finishes anything". I closed my eyes and let the tears drain. As the fire greedily gobbled the material and sent up a resounding "whoosh", I opened my eyes and knew all was as it should be and that I had received healing and confirmation and that was enough. My spiritual friend said afterwards........"there's no judgement". Thankyou.
The last session ended and spiritually renewed, physically disorientated bodies tumbled from the lodge. Everyone made their silent and stunned way to an outdoor shower and plunge into an icecold pool. The aftermath of spiritual experience was heavy with meaning. We slowly and softly ladled veggie soup into our bowls and grabbed chunks of bread. A collective reverence covered the group with some mumbled conversation started and reached a relaxed chat. After regaining our composure, we drove home slowly. Fears met, spirits changed we drank lots of water and allowed the effects and revelations soak into our spirits and see the changes over the next months.

Craving

my dried out honeycomb brain
nothing sweet about it
so sticky
tight as toffee
presently tense
craving, wanting worthless poison
prickling head of pins and needles
sew a seam of primitive stiches
'cross my high brow temples,
churches spire reeks heavenly havoc
emerging powerfully
dragging fear like lowly scum
to ooze on out
of every pour
I wish for more
of empty sweet addiction
but then the rain
it cleanses, quenches
runs through dragging debris
soon I hope
to see the light
my head relieved, refreshed
and when I look again
I hope to see
a pomegranate?

Brave slave

Be my brave slave and I'll shackle you gently and even be your knave

....be gone she said for I'll give you the knee and tie you to a tree

But I'd LOVE your hand and look after you well and even tell you how to be

.....alas she said, there are feathers in your head for I'm already me

You'll lose me then to some young thing and forfeit a life of bliss

......So be it then. I'll take a pen and write the book of sorrow,
and when you look again you'll see I'll still be me tomorrow

I'm brave and strong and seldom wrong, be mine! My very last offer

.....I'll pass she said for chivalry's dead, this trick was most uncovered.
We'll stay right here and drink a beer, enjoy a life untethered.

MgM 

Slut

When Johnny took his pants off, he had a little thing!
that I had never seen before!
mine must have been all squashed in!?
We checked to see and can't be sure
his mom just chased me out the door.

My eyes were wide as saucers,
I ran as fast could be,
to tell my dad what I couldn't see
but he was cross and said I'm bad
and that's from having daughters!

Teacher, teacher what's a nickname?
Pauly says it's short
yes! she said, it means "like you", but....
Oh I know, I know! It starts with "little"
like when Daddy called me slut?...

I got to the dinner table dying to tell
that the teacher said a BAD word
Dad wagged his finger very close to my face
"children are to be seen,
but NEVER to be heard"

I hid my voice in my cupboard 
and took it out to play
My Barbie's name was "little slut"
and Ken was "little bastard"
but don’t you worry, don’t feel bad
Uncle Paddy said
It can be our secret
whenever I feel sad.

MgM

Bosluis Bravado

Bosluis byt jou braaf
daar suig hy aan jou vel
Stadig steel hy lewensbloed
skuil hy weg soos skelms moet
snoesig in daai donker plek

Maak oop jou oe duiwelsdrek
en kyk vir my, jy's na aan vrek
kom uit daai warm donker plek
ek het jou lyf en ek gaan trek
maar voordat jy jou einde sien
laat ek net vir jou "voertsek" bedien

MgM 2013

Love

Bright white light
drizzles into my open head
prickling it's way down to my heart

Swelling and bursting full of tiny blessings
spread the corners of my mouth

Rising up I float and fly
reaching out in full hearty flow
spread my wings, carried on bliss

Swiftly lifting, floating arc
loving, brimming, swimming free

My hands pour soft embracing healing
sweet warm oil, oozing overhead

Lashes catch and hold for a second
releasing drops that catch in lips
that taste annointed blessing

MgM

Musical Mirror

The depths of my soul in a requiem
who I am sings deeply blissful.
Where do I go to for solace?
If not to the yearning of strings,
and when my heart is joyful
a gypsy band will sing.

A happy reunion reflects
in the jive of technology's button.
My thriving soul will look for expression
in an exuberance of celebration,

and when the pain of regret appears
a slow movement soaks my depression.

Love and passion,
soft lids and lashes
latino and tango and swing,
when there's a spring in my step
and life feels so good
I'll be drawn to the sound of the Ud.

There's a drum in there somewhere
for my tribal and tramping
a thumping of real and robust
play now, play hard
todays all you have
ashes to ashes dust to dust

MgM

Fatherfear

Conditioned to fear, to run, to hide
No place is safe from harm
Dad said never trust anyone
While carrying whip in hand
When I look at you I see
Whatever I have seen
My eyes are shrouded with a mist
My filter skewed distorted
Anger, fear and jealousy
One pulls the love apart
To look for the worm the hidden thing
That lurks inside
And when you look again
It's gone,
I broke it tore it ripped it open
Leaving only shreds
The memory of it remains
And guilty full of shame
I try once more
Only to do the same
Help me to see your love anew
Listen with my heart
To feel the softness reach your hand
Trust is another land

When my heart is full of love you glow
I trust that this is true
Afraid of forgetting to hide away
Fear of you searching the house
To find me crouching in a cupboard
Before I sleep I look around to find a spot
To crawl to safety, just in case
Learning to be myself regardless of rebuke
Express without fear of backlash
Looking at you through my eyes
I think you may have been sent
Across my path to face myself
Release the hardened crud
And if i can I'll give to you
Whatever you may need
Sorting out the old and new
Sifting through the debris
Finding treasure we can keep
Walk the road together
Looking at you through my eyes
I see what has been seen

MgM

clarity

I took a mind altering drug
everything that I was came to the fore
I said what was on my mind
I had to trust someone
No censorship

I took a mind altering drug
the truth poured from my soul
and my ears were open to hear it
No censorship

Away came the shroud from my eyes
I saw what was bothering me
It poured out of my eyes in frustrated tears
I tasted the fear on my lips

Whatever I was pretending to be was lost

I had to face myself

MgM

Dragging Cans

Every now and again I need to take the lid off and look at my life.

Ask myself a few questions.......

Am I in any way self medicating?
Have I let go of emotions or beliefs unnecessary and stale?
Am I defensive about any of my actions?
Have I been honest with myself about why I'm in the place that I am?
Do I have any unfinished business in my existing relationships?
Have I dealt with all unresolved issues in past relationships?
Are there any unanswered questions that I need to get off my chest?
Have I let go all emotional residue that holds me back and drains my energy, forgiving myself and others and putting my ego to bed?
Am I in denial about anything?
Am I able to sit in silence, without any distraction for a few hours?
When I take note of how much tension I've been holding in my body after mindfully relaxing my muscles, does it surprise me?
I take note of how much noise there is in my mind when I consciously meditate on nothing at all but silence.

Finally I visualize myself walking down the road with residue tethered to my belt, making noise, like cans on a bridal car. 

I cut the cords and walk away a little lighter for the time being.

MgM

Undo undo on the weather post.....

I looked out of the window and the weather looked fine.
I was off to a picnic and dressed for summer time.
I even put on sunblock and a silly little vest,
just in case the weather was at it's best.
We got to the venue all cheery and bright
but felt in the air a frightening bite.
I added a jersey, then added some more
as it dawned on me slowly a pox was in store.
I shivered and shook the whole day long
and spoke about weather, how freezing and more.
It got colder and colder and I couldn't believe
that without enough clothing I wanted to leave,
but we were stuck and had to endure
the whole day with goosebumps and icy for sure.
My fingers were frozen, my toes tingling and sore
and I knew that the universe had a lesson in store.
When we're warm enough, great, we're lucky to be
but beware of the day you're caught out in the sea.
There are those who experience this all of the time
and I'm grateful and humbled for this home of mine.

MgM

Traffic and Weather

How's the WEATHER?!
That's surely rhetorical isn't it? or do you really want an answer?
I mean The weather is either hot,cold, windy, raining, fine. There's nothing we're going to do about it and it is as it is. A little like stating the obvious, "It's FREEEZING!", when we're standing a meter apart in June and then freezing would be an exaggeration really. "Ja it's FREEEEZING! It wasn't this cold LAST year and what's going to happen next year!" It's winter right?
Sho but the WIND. Yeah it's August.

Someone accosts you as you approach, even before greeting and if not, very shortly after.
"Did you get TRAFFIC?"
 Huh? Well, I was on the highway and that's normally where the traffic is.......
"Was it bad?"
Bad?.....mmmmmm...well no, it was traffic.
"A LOT of trucks on the road."
The others were questions, this is a statement but I see I'm still required to relieve the worried face.
"It's backed up from such-and-such."
So what?

If there's that much traffic and congestion on the roads why would you be MORE stressed. Surely then one would drive very slowly and be completely relaxed.

I don't know how to have this conversation.

I do feel bad, so I usually answer "I didn't really notice, I was on the phone."

Learning to Fly

Mamabird watched as her beloved chicks hatched. Peppy, Simba, Fowly and Prince.

She loved these chicks with all of her heart, fed them healthy morsals and kept them warm.

One morning she noticed them looking afar, yearning for the west wind and freedom.

Peppy took the leap and jumped from the high nest, toppling and turning and finally finding his wings to come out in a wobbly swoop close to the ground. Mamabird's heart gave a leap and a churn as she watched Simba teetering on the edge. She crept closer and was about to hold him back when he too, jumped and toppled coming to the earth with a thud. Both Peppy and Simba brushed themselves off and gave whoops of victory which Mamabird missed.

Fowly was on the edge and Mamabird was ready. As Fowly jumped, she flew in under him and carried his weight on her wings till he landed safely and very gently on the ground. He wanted to try again, on his own. Everytime he jumped she was happy to help and proud of keeping him from harm. Fowly felt frustrated. He waited until she wasn't looking and made a run for it. He made it to the ground breaking his leg. He was so used to her holding him up that he miscalculated the distance.

Mamabird decided that she couldn't stand it and pecked away at Prince's wings until he was unable to fly.

You will stay with me, where you'll be safe.

Mamabird spent the rest of her life proud and pompous.

Prince spent the rest of his days staring out of the nest longing to fly.

MgM

Running the Race

Stand on the sidelines clapping encouragement. Watch with pride and joy as your loved one runs the race. When you see him fall, grieve with him. If you step forward and offer a piggy back he'll be put under pressure of unhealthy options. He may take the piggyback for instant relief, never to learn endurance through the pain as the task is taken from his hands. A habit of "holding-him-up" rather than walking with him, or even running alongside, inevitably tethers you together for life in a symbiotic partnership that leaves both weaker and confuses your individual purpose.

Purpose

I hang my head in shame
to think of so much shallow clinging.
I pray for more, when I have enough,
my hunger never sated.
Create hope in times to come
with a flaming heart
that will jump the gulf between people,
igniting dried out wicks.
We could then light up the sky,
burning all the chaff asunder.
Blacken the earth,
a rage so strong,
a love that knows no bounds.
Only then will spring forth
brave new shoots,
green and pure as springtime


MgM (c)

O tiny risk...

Longing for touch
as I step through the door
He steps forward to hug
I step back
Longing for truth
approaching the crowd
"How are YOU my friend?"
I'm just FINE!
In need  of some love
there's a diner close by
she smiles
so he hides in the menu

She buys a fat cat
buries her hands in that
and wishes on every bright star
He walks his big dog
searching daily the park
home alone he writes notes in his blog

There's a tangible space
an invisible brace
prevents us from reaching out
the excuse is fear
that our heart may just feel
the tiniest 'flik' of rejection
so what!, so bollocks
that tiny hook
that stops all bonds unfolding

Reach out I say
be brave today
ignore that short lived sting
MORE times you'll find
that head will turn
and friendship too will blossom

MgM

My Observations

*BE awesome today and give. When we give, we can only loose spiritual weight (heaviness). We become lighter and so higher and free.......gaining spiritual depth. Freedom loves best of all...

*Try not to run away from your emotional pain. You will run in a very wide circle only to confront that very same thing again. Beat your breast, cry it out, scream out your pain, vomit! Demand that it looks into your eyes and look into the centre of it's darkness. Allow it to deplete you for the moment and surrender....when you get up you can leave that shed skin, that dried up piece of exhausting torture lying in the dust. The wind will come up and blow it away.

*Be brave, throw away the labels and allow yourself to let go - find the fences within yourself that keep you in the comfortable field of daisies, destroy them and expand! Run into beauty and unchartered seas....there is more!
Love unconditionally, there is no place for fear.
Expanding the mind and finding the fences that keep one locked in a place of recurring behaviour, realising that one is not one's labels and to try and debunk the rules of civility (just for the duration) to grow oneself to "more".

*When I change my mind, some would say I've lost my marbles when all I've done is freed them up to roll around allowing me a new perspective......

*Listen to your heart, do what u know is right and Keep joining the dots regardless.......the picture eventually becomes clear - there is a purpose for your life!

*Life IS like a box of chocolates.......so why eat the orange creams if you don't like them?

*your capacity to love and forgive someone's actions is directly related to the understanding of where they're coming from and how much pain they're in

*Go ahead and pull my chain, just remember it's attached to the plug

* Knowing your weakness is what keeps your arm straight and strong to hold the sword that keeps the black dog shrinking at it's tip.....

* Look deeply into the eyes of people you meet.....there's a reason you've encountered them - listen to their souls - expand your heart to enfold them. We are all one.

* The truth of who you are, and where you are is evident in your energy, advertised in you eyes, obvious in your body

* Steal a dragons energy right from under her smiling eyes, but don't be surprised to find her claw clamped to your tail when you turn to sneak away

* As your cog turns so it affects every other in the universe....turn only in kindness

OM

There are times when one wonders if things will work out
The confusions of words and perceptions, and shout
“But wait!”…. just let time do it’s marvelous thing
Of sorting the driftwood, the hearts and the string

 All the pieces drift heavily, slowly along

And the river it rises, it hears a new song

“What’s this?”….that lies behind the stone

Don’t you fret there is purpose, the universe knows

Surrender yourself to the moment of truth

Open your hand and let go of the sleuth

 “Give up!”….Trust in love and let joy abound
The answers will come and peace will be found

There's light!

There’s light at the end of a long dark tunnel

It draws us ahead to the sun

Then the sun warms our skin with a gentle reminder

We’re in this together, we are kin

There’s a moon in the midnight lake of the sky

Our dreams bathed in cool attire

We surrender our anguish resting in peace

There will always be a window

When the stars are bright, we feel love and light

And a promise the universe holds

When the night is too long and the darkness throngs

There’ll always be tomorrow

It's a new day!

A new day is born, with longing to be full

This time will never come again

This time is ours to fill

New day, young day, come on unto me

And it will be my pleasure to keep you company

How we cross the river is up to us

A man came across a raging river on his journey. The river was fast and furious and he had to cross within the hour. There was a suspended bridge to the far bank but when he looked closely it looked very unsafe. Scooping low across the raging torrent the slats were loose, some were missing and the rope looked frayed. There was a kayak lying on the bank with a pair of paddles and he was pleased. When he got a closer look there were a few holes in the kayak's frame. He looked up and saw that there were some prominent rocks in the river and one could possibly jump from rock to rock although the rocks seemed to be covered by moss and would be slippery.

Two monks were sitting peacefully on the bank meditating.
The journeyman asked which of the options would be the safest to cross the raging river.
Both monks looked serenely at the man
The bridge? the kayak? or the rocks? Please help me he implored.
One of the monks bowed deeply and said "I will ask the wise man"

The journeyman was thrilled as the monk turned to the wise man and asked

"Zrbgfufirezugfhoiewurlhbglirkfv ?"

The  said,

"Jzhdgizhgflisuhfzo;e ;rludfhslidufhz
;soifsdlukghzl;bvjhn;ofhg;zlkfjvnk.jb.khf;zfgbk.dfjvn.lfgn.
igfolizusgflidbj.ziugzlsjdf ziekfghlziusjfbkzsldk
jZikjygfkls

What does he say? what does he say? questions the journeyman impatiently.

The monk looked calmly at him and answered with a smiling face and a deep bow.

"Good Idea!",
"You pick!"
"Each way has it"s own problems."

Half a century - a poem from my children

*Mandy’s life is never a bore …..At Natures Place number 64
*Pilates is her bread and butter …..”I want my mommy”, grown men mutter
*Even if her clients are on all fours …..she doesn’t discriminate – “she strengthens cores”
*I have never seen a skill any finer …..as she’s driving, texting and applying eyeliner
*Almost a crash and a disastrous show …..she looks at the victim and says “Helloooo!”
*She never does bad I tell you that …..unless she is stealing the neighbours cat!
*At able-bodied people she’ll  be angry and barking …..only when they’re in the disabled parking
*Then she surprised us all as a heartstopper …..when she popped on our screen as Pick ‘n Pay smartshopper
*But lets turn our heads away from blame …..what I’m here to say is this girls got game
*Wherever Mandy dares to roam …..she turns a house into a home
*Even in a house of ice …..she’ll make you feel so warm and nice
*You have made three, Will Jo and Dan …..I tell you now we’re your biggest fans
*You’ve been there for us through thick and thin …..and given us the best chance for us to win
*She never gets tense, stressed or brawly …..thanks to the power of now and Eckardt Tolle
*Creative, insightful, talented galore …..cycling, swimming, music and more!

Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink

April is the gardener in my complex and was doing a “job on the side “ for me……..during complex work time…..he said when he had a moment he’d work on digging me a new bed.

I got home from a sweaty session at Virgin Activ and got to work on my computer, putting off a much needed shower. 
From outside I heard a long and worried wale... “MIESIEEEEEES! ons het a GROOT probleeeem!!!”
I jumped to the back door and watched the powerful rise of a water fountain pouring up and out of the ground.
"Moet ek vir Miss Rista bel!!" (the complex manageress)…..NO! Madame! I'll be in BEEG trouble – his eyes the size of saucers.

Standing still for a few seconds looking blankly at April, I had an idea!

I tell him to make a duck. 

He runs.

I jump.

Into the red muddy water.

Smearing my face and clothes with red mud and rolling up my pants I look around for my phone.
"Rista! come quikly, I've hit a water pipe" I shout down the line and she appears around the corner two minutes later with a surprised face.
"Hemel maar jy werk jou gat af hier!" says Rista.
I smile and nod.
She calls the plumber who gets there is about 5 minutes flat. I'm impressed.
Unfortunately he has to close down the main water supply and gets to work. I have just enough time to shower and run.
So I make sure he has everything he needs and ask him – “so, there’ll still be water in the geyser?”.
Nope, the water won’t even come out of the taps! Huh? No pressure! Of course!

What now ???

It’s time for a swim in the complex pool. Brilliant! Not perfect, but it's a solution. I quickly don a bathing suit and grabbing a towel I sprint up to the pool area. 
The water was beautifully cool as I rubbed at my stained body as hard as I can.
When I get back the plumber is up to his ankles in red mud and I tell him about my wash in the complex pool and “caprivi shower” swearing him to silence.
I commend him on getting to me so quickly and he says “no problem I was on lunch, I live at No. 9” 

Ah, nice.

I roll my eyes.

I'm off!

As I approach the gate I see Rista (the complex manageress) with her clipboard, pursed lips and pen. April is walking toward her -

I open my window and shout "Hey! April!"

"Yes Miesies?", he hollers.

"Dankie vir die pik wat jy my geleen het,  jy sal nie glo wat gebeur het nie!"

"Wat Miesies?", he shouts.

and with a big wave, accelerating out of the gate, "Ek het 'n blerrie waterpyp gekap!"

Shrivatsa

The Auspicious or endless knot
 is a geometric diagram which symbolises the nature of reality where everything is interrelated and only exists as part of a web of karma and it's effect.      

Having no beginning or end, it also represents the infinite wisdom of the Buddha and the union of compassion and wisdom.

French Fantasy to Dirty Disappointment...One date - both sides of the story?

French Fantasy
(The date from my perspective)

I was looking forward to the breakfast date with Jean-Pierre on Sunday. His name sounded so French, he looked so smooth. Well groomed with dreamy green eyes and a funky scarf around his neck.

Friday night was drumming circle and I head out of town with my Djembi. The drumming circle had become my “therapy” since the divorce. Drumming for four hours pulls you into a zone of listening to the beat that connects deeply with your soul and forces you into the moment. The only hangover one has the next morning is the thickening and sensitivity of your hands. The pads of my fingers develop tiny splits that take a few days to heal, but it seems a small price to pay for the pleasure. My thumb was bleeding and I put on some ointment and an old-style material plaster. I was a first aid fundi after being married to a doctor for so long.

Saturday was spent in the garden and I dug around planting some lettuce, watering and feeding my veggie patch.

On Sunday morning I woke up early to the chirping of the birds on the bird-feeder and smiled. I’m happy, really happy and have a date!

I decided to get dressed casually and wore jeans. I’d just bought a zooty pair of black soviet takkies and decided to wear them as I chucked the smart leather slip-ons back in the cupboard. Remembering Jean-Pierre’s cool scarf from his profile pic, I threw a checkered scarf around my neck.

I had bought a leather back-pack on the midlands meander during the time my children were in high school in Natal. I transferred the contents of my bag into the soft folds of the brown leather.

As I ran out the door feeling free and pretty I grabbed a big clip and coiled my hair up into it. I switched the spraying water off as I passed the tap. My cat sat up proudly at the gate. I bent down to give her a last cuddle and whispered “wish me luck” into her ear.

I turned the Vivaldi up and drove fast enjoying the empty Sunday morning roads.

As I got out of my sleek silver car I harbored a delicious feeling of excitement, and noticed the greengrocer next to the restaurant. I would pop in after to get a healthy lunch.

I chose a table at the window so that I could keep an eye on the parking lot.

A very large man waddled in and headed towards me. I assumed he was going to sit at the next table, but when I looked into his face I recognized Jean-Pierre!
I was a bit taken aback.
The man was very fat.
The profile pics were carefully taken and some must have been years old.
He was at least ten years older than what he’d said!
The cool scarf he’d worn in his pics had been hiding a very fat neck.
There was no denying that Jean-Pierre had once been a very attractive man. His green eyes were still dreamy but I caught a hint of a tender heart and although he said his name was French, he definitely wasn’t French. I know of couples that name their children after the country they conceived, which means absolutely nothing to anyone else but themselves.

He leaned in to greet me and I turned my face sharply away from his pursed lips.
I was polite through the breakfast, very polite. At one point he got a dreamy look in his eyes. He stared at me hard, scooped his teaspoon into the cappuccino foam and brought it up to my lips. His chin lifted a little and he smiled seductively, coaxing me with his eyes to accept his offering. 
Taking the spoon gently out of his hand, I stammered a little and said pathetically “oh shame, not to worry, I have my own foam.” I immediately wanted to slam my forehead repeatedly into the table in front of me. What an idiotic thing to say!
I didn’t want to hurt him and didn’t want my disappointment to show. I smiled and blinked and nodded – a lot. I asked after his children, his life and his dreams - we all have them. We all reach into the fantasy world and dream of a romantic encounter that may just catapult us out of our reality.

If I had to judge him according to my disappointment I would have judged him harshly.

He’d  sold himself well and almost tricked me into believing that he was whole.

All I could feel was pity.

 Dirty Disappointment
(French Fantasy bookend - Jean-Pierre)

I’m a man.
I’m a broker.

I’m Jean-Pierre.

I’ve done well in my life and have been well-loved.

I’m well travelled, have been to amazing destinations and have lived up to now, a full and rich life.

I have a big home and a big car and I’m ready to retire.

All I need now is a loving partner, someone to spoil. We’ll travel the world. She’ll spoil me and we’ll walk hand in hand on the beach. We will lie in each other’s arms and I will be complete.

The weekend has been quiet but I look forward to meeting Maureen. I met her on the dating site and can’t help wondering, could it be?, the lady of my dreams? Our chatting was sexy and sharp. Her profile pictures are smart and she looks neat and well groomed. She was married to a medical doctor. I think she’s loaded too, which is a bonus. I feel a stirring in my loins. This is it, this is it!

Yesterday I had the 4x4 washed. This car is a good indication of how well I’ve done. I’m proud of what I’ve achieved.

Don’t overdo the aftershave. It’s expensive and understated. Just enough.

My hair has grown a little and I turn and look at my profile in the mirror. Not bad for my age, enough so to have lowered my age on my dating profile by ten years……..but you’d never say.

I definitely have presence. The extra weight that has crept on over the years can easily be shed.

Reversing out of the drive I feel empowered. I’m on top of my game. Yessir!
I scan the restaurant as I enter and she’s already there, I recognize the mass of hair piled on her head. Maureen! This is a good sign. She’s obviously keen. I have the upper hand.

I saunter over and bend to her upturned smiling face, which she turns sharply as I aim for her lips. She may be Italian, the Italians do that. It’s an Italian thing and she is dark.

As she greets the waitress I do a quick scan and my heart sinks.

Maureen turns back to me smiling too widely and looking at me in a strange way. I can see the tension in her eyes. Oh no, please don’t tell me she’s on Prozac! She’s tense, very tense.

Her hands are also wrecked!  I notice the dry swollen skin and the cracked and almost bleeding finger tips with a feeling of panic that I hide. She must be a nail biter or have a nervous condition. Maybe she’s malnourished? I smiled and we chatted but I couldn’t keep feeling a little revolted by a grubby plaster she had wrapped around her thumb. What germs are hiding in that moist decaying little bundle of cloth?

I was expecting something else I must admit. Her cheap black hippie takkies and jeans look was too casual for me. The scarf around her neck was Palestinian rebel movement issue and I wondered if she had escaped from a place of torture. She certainly looked tortured.
I enquired about her stay in the country and she assured me that she was South African and was living in her own home around the corner. I wasn’t sure that I could believe her.

Back-packers came to mind. Her backpack looked well used and I pictured her travelling the world with her thumb up on a desperately outstretched arm. Her shoes had grass on them and was that? I think yes, cat hair, on her jersey.

Maureen must be having a torrid time and I even offer her a spoon of my foam as a friendly gesture. She declined but I could see she would have loved me to take her in my arms and wipe all her fears away.

When I eventually paid and we said our goodbyes, I knew that there was something very wrong with this situation. I wanted to walk her to her car and she made a lame excuse about going to the greengrocers to get lunch. I think she had walked and couldn’t bring herself to admit it.

I will go back and continue my search. I had put my hopes in a smart picture and a coiffed hairdo. I had visualized a life together.

She’d sold herself well and almost tricked me into believing that she was whole.

All I could feel was pity.

French Fantasy and Dirty Disappointment .....they are one and the same date seen from both sides…………