My cousin owns a house in Pretoria and I’m a guest .
I’m sleeping in his guest room with the key to an outside toilet.
I’ve just got in, I’m exhausted it’s 10pm and I’m ready for bed.
He shouts “cheers see you in the morning! The alarm is set”, as he heads out to party.
I lay my head down and realize I need to wee.
It dawns on me that he used the key earlier and I didn’t get it back! I sit up with a start and see the red light of the alarm detector flash in the corner of the room. I slam my body back onto the bed. I have set the alarm off twice already with mayday reacting quickly and forcefully. I’m not popular at the moment and would hate to set it off again.I’ve never used an alarm system and know that I have to stay still and below the beam, that’s what I’ve heard!
I stay very low down but manage to turn around so that I’m facing the windows – I’m sure I saw something move! I stretch across the bed and reach down to my bag where I find the gun. Now I’m safe, but I still need to wee.
Ok, think.
I can’t get to the window – the alarm will go off when I stick my bum outside.
Anyway I wouldn’t stick my bum out the window to wee cause I’m sure I saw something move!If I jump up and go through the house, the alarm will go off, mayday will arrive…..NO not again.
Maybe he’ll have a horrible time at the party and be home any minute.
Relax and have some coffee out of the flask………..can’t cause I’m now bursting to wee.
Just the thought of it makes my bladder ache.
The coolerbag!
If I leopard crawl across the bed and plop onto the floor, keeping a close eye on the alarm detector, I can reach it. I slowly pull the cooler bag towards me, tip it on it’s side and slip the flask, cups and container out. Luckily it’s one of the soft coolers. The Kenyans gave it to us as a gift, but it’ll do the trick.There’s definitely something moving outside!
So I keep one eye on the alarm detector and one eye on the window, as I roll onto my side, then onto my back, keeping my hands low and under the “beam”. I undo my zip and pull my pants down to my knees. I lie back and kick, little freestyle kicks , until the pants are off my feet. I lift myself up just enough to squash the cooler under my butt. I bring my upper body around, staying low, so that my chest is eventually on the bed and I bring my feet around so that I’m at least on my knees, with the cooler in place. I take one last look at the detector, relax my face into the duvet, exhausted, I relieve myself.
I feel faint and realize that although my bladder has held up very well, the coolerbag hasn’t. As I shudder with long anticipated relief the bed becomes warm around me.
“You will not panic!” I tell myself, “you’re a mother with three children, you’ve been in a few predicaments in your life, make a plan”, “think”.Ok, so I don’t panic, I think.I do check the alarm detector though and then the window and remember to stay down.
I lay my hand on the gun and check the window again.
The smell of urine fills the room, it’s midnight.
I’m thrilled that I have been able to stay under the beam.
Coffee!..that’s it…..If I can get to the flask………and I leopard crawl, ignoring the now wet and cold bed.I focus, I slowly draw the flask to me and undo the cap.
If I can pour the coffee over the wet bed then it’ll hide the smell of the urine!
One problem at a time.I roll onto my side and then onto my back. I lie back and take long sniffs of the air.He may not smell this you know, the coffee was black and strong.
I lay my hand on the gun and check the window again.
I lie watching the alarm detector, checking the window, sniffing the air until 3am when I see the lights of his car coming into the driveway.
I let out a strange noise of relief and wait for him to deactivate the alarm.
I jump right up drawing the wet duvet around myself.
I knock on his door “Cousy let me in, I need to wee!”
Arcadia 1998
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