Ready, Steady, Go

 

A supportive slumber with my daughter’s warm body in my bed, quietly aware.
When the alarm sounds, I am relieved.
Last zip and shoes, a studious checking of taps and plugs.
Where to find my will – I left it on top – just in case.

A quiet drive to the nuclear lab, for a jab, on the slab.
This nurse will be the last one to ever hold my nipple between her fingers – I tell her so.
She smiles and lifts the blue syringe. Next stop, the chop-shop.
My passwords – write them down – just in case.

The bed, the blue gown, little tv and little cupboard.
As my daughter unzips the bag, a ripple of panic crashes over my head.
I’ll walk out of here very fast, then run until I’m far away.
So hold onto to me while I cry.
Tell the boys I love them – just in case.

We lie side by side on the bed watching a silent screen.
A tall dark and broadly smiling porter steps around the curtain to fetch me.
It must be black Tuesday he says, 2 for the price of 1.
A smooth ride on trolley wheels. The surgeon smiles and draws on me with a blue koki.
We look into each other’s eyes and we nod, tears streaming,
Stay close by, I say – just in case.

Post op                                                                                                           

I wake under a warm thick blanket.
I remember before, so this, must be “after” -
My daughter Danny says, Hi Mom.
I pour my relief into her eyes.
There is no pain.
I feel strangely liberated, expansive and everything looks so clear!
Maybe that’s why they call it “high”?
I sit up and swing my legs off the bed.
As my feet touch the floor there’s a tug on my ribs.
Two soft pink orbs just larger than eggs drop between my thighs.
I look down and smile at the irony of it all
With a grin, I turned to my daughter, I start giggling
‘Will you hold my balls while I pee?”.
My Firstborn William says
I shouldn’t share these under the belt jokes with my surgeon.
Ok, I say with a wild grin.
'Dr. Dr., What did the one boob say to the other?
Yeah you’re right – nothing!'
I think it’s funny. He wasn’t so sure, bless him.
I went through a very tight and dark tunnel
and burst out the other side,
into the bright side of life where it seems you don’t need them.
My son Joseph says, that’s how life works sometimes.