Dread-Mill

If someone had to ask me if I think I'm a chopper pilot, I'd say "no pal, but can YOU drive a treadmill?"

I spin, swim and frequent the gym often but the treadmill....
Ok so it calculates the calories you use depending on speed and incline. The treadmill can show you five different channels of tv while your walking and tune you in to your favourite radio station. It monitors your heartbeat and can speed up slow down and throw you off if you forget to pedal - I mean walk.
I arrive with a bottle of water and my earphones - to plug into my favourite tv show. The choices are quite fun. Rugby, soccer, news and cricket. I don't normally watch soccer but seeing that the biggest game of the year Manchester United against Barcelona was on........well what can a girl do.
So I'm ready to "roll" and the screen reads "touch me"! Goodness, ok - so I touch away and when nothing happens I give the screen a sharp tap. I left a note to the manufacturer....."sharp tap me?" would that work?
I'm cool, I smile, I look around me at all the walking, smiling, obviously very clever running masses.

I have entered weight, age, address, time, distance but this machine just won't work for me and my time is running out. I notice a "quick start" button and tap sharply!

It's moving.....and we're off............VERY slowly I might add, oh? ok I see the -big plus- and give a few very experienced sharp taps until.....I'm going too fast and have to hang onto the handles which automatically monitor my heartbeat! I want to laugh but have to be cool as I frantically sharply tap repeatedly the -big minus- and after a few tries I slow down to an acceptable pace.

I then strike the "I'm totally at home" on the big walking machine stagger and I whip out my blackberry and send an sms. I have arrived!

After about 30 minutes I check my calorie count hoping that I can lay to rest the packet of Provita crunchie-vites-with-cranberries I flattened for tea........and realise that all I can claim are two tiny biccy's!

I know now that this brilliant machine is intuative because as I hit the big red "Emergency Stop" and think "to hell with that!", it nearly catapults me into the pool!

Dare to Date

So here I am happily single and in a calm pond of peace and contentment.
Of course the universe has heard my call and is planning my love life accordingly.
A friend pops in for a good old natter and a cuppa.


The lively chatter slows to a deliberate silence and she asks, "so...?" "you still not seeing anyone?"

She knows I'm not, so I wonder what's up and look at her, cocking an eyebrow as a reply.

"Have you ever considered looking on a dating site?", she enquires tentatively.

Definitely not, out of the question, tacky, cheap, not me."NO", I say smiling superciliously.

"Well you should think about it?", she replies and I, "biscuit?"

"There's a very good site on the internet that appears to have a huge database."

Well I just ignore this and change the subject............P-lease!

"It's so easy", she says walking inside towards the computer, "just look at how many interesting men there are in Pretoria."

Yes I know - thinking of Aunty Patty who told my mother, "Mandy will NEVER find a man in Pretoria!" "She MUST go to the Italian club in Johannesburg!"

Well I've thought about that quite a bit actually. I see myself entering the hallowed doors of the "Italian Club" explaining that no, I'm not Italian, and yes, I know that Italians are short and I'm 5ft9, but Aunty Patty said.....

"Come and have a look at some of these nice looking men", she's keen and connected and settled in front of my screen. "You don't use your own name you know."

Oh so that makes the difference! - I can go on under a pseudonym.......how about "Marvelous Me", "Tall and Tender", or even better "Big 'n Beautiful!"

I can't.

"But just come and look, this one seems cute," she insists.

I take a sidelong glance, she suggests a name for me and I grudgingly chose three men out of the first page or two that I think are ok, and one in particular that looks.......like me.

I tempt her away from my screen with more sweet delights.
We say our goodbyes at the gate and I wave calmly.

As soon as her car rounds the corner I dash into my house, jumping over the cat I skid onto my seat and find the site!

I looked though 50 pages, that same night, each with 20 faces which would total 1000 men, all from Gauteng!

I couldn’t stop.

Fascinating.

You pick your "favorites" and then realize that they get a notification....eeek

They see you online and become "fans" (if they're tall enough) and send you a message.

My heart was thumping at the first message and then I realized that you can't chat.....until you pay!

Ok so I won't say I'm hooked, let’s say curious.
Don't say it!
Ok, very curious and maybe a little hooked.
Hooked. I said it!

I make a conscious decision to take only one month’s subscription and pay.

"Billy the Biker" was apparently my 100% match - scratch.
"Romantic Rider" ? scratch.
"Thumper" ? Block, block, block, I won't, I can't do helmet hair!
"Theo's Threesome" ? OK, get me outta here!
"Casual Kent", said that he would be prepared to INVEST in a woman if bla bla bla....delete, delete, delete.
"Naughty Nigel", said that all women wanted a bad boy.........really? What Nonsense!
When "Sizzling Swinger" became a fan I blocked him too and decided to take responsibility and the reins of this seemingly galloping horse.

I was happily off the site within two very intense weeks.

and?

well, I have to say....

in spite of my trepidation...

yes,

I'm grateful to my insistent friend.


ps: inbox me for the address :-)

now Here's the Rub

I want to say that this is something all women should have in their boot.
I would be wrong!
I think this is something every driver needs in their boot..............and no, not your hobnails daaaling!
I had no idea how much joy a little tin of rubbing compound, the price of a movie ticket, could bring.
A good deal of elbow grease is needed so you're assured an intense deltoid workout.
A friend and I were looking at the deep scratches made by a badly placed potato bush and we were dubious as to whether this would do the trick.
I'm tempted to leave the bush in place just to have the pleasure of revitalising my paint job, but will deal with the bush a tad later - and will post a pic.