I finally have found what I was looking for.
Starting off the journey in February, I was driven by the need to find my authentic self. I could feel myself being depleted and dying in my soul. I knew that my higher self was not this. I knew that my intentions were to live in love and in service to my fellow beings.
I was driven by what seemed to be automatic actions that hurt people. I wanted them to see that I knew stuff and wanted to compete, and win.
The need to stand out, to make sure people took notice of me was an integral part of who Mandy was. One could put this down to Confidence (which it was not), cheek and personality of a rebellious nature and to parade in front of the crowd as the most beautiful or even outrageous. It entangled me in the need to apologise every time I interrupted, pushed in or made an intrusion into another’s space. I could see what I was doing but couldn’t control the urges to disrupt.
This all was part of a dark energy that drove me to compulsive and impulsive deeds. When I felt unworthy I would go into the bathroom and chop my hair with a pair of scissors, even up to here at Bodhi Khaya in the last 2 weeks. When I felt out of the conversation I would interrupt or distract. When I needed assurance I would get a boyfriend and soothe the feminine wounded part of me. Only to know that it was temporary each time. I would demand attention in slight and/or obvious ways. I would become obsessed or addicted to something, anything to distract from the pain. I always berated and punished myself afterwards and over and over again the cycle would continue as I tried to gain control of the demon.
I’m so sorry if I have hurt you by acting out.
I honour you as my mother and a woman with immense strength.
I’m so sorry that I haven’t up to now honoured your path, the one you have chosen for yourself, as we all are allowed to choose without judgement of each other.
I’m sorry that I embarrassed you at your Ordination in Bloemfontein on your personal victory day when I should have been proud of your struggle to get there.
I honour you now, and apologise if it has come so late.
I bow to your amazing patience as caregiver to dad, knowing the pain you suffered at his hand.
I’m so sorry that I felt entitled that you help me and have me in your home, just because I felt you owed it to me. I cringe now even as I write it.
I understand now that you don’t owe me and that it is me that should honour your space and me that should be grateful for your generosity.
Thank you for being gracious despite this. Thank you for opening your space to me regardless.
I’m so sorry for hurting you.
This is what transpired.
As I arrived at BK for Sunday lunch I was stunned to see the sign “Flower Valley” and knew it was part of a bigger picture. (Remember my vision I told you about for these next years was the Valley of flowers!)
The owner of BK was at lunch and after having a chat she asked me to stay there instead of going to Hermanus backpackers where I had booked in. She wanted Pilates lessons every day and gave me the time for free. My reason for being in Hermanus was that my Jhb Healer and another very powerful healer were in SA from the Amazon and would be doing a healing plant medicine ceremony. I found out that they were doing the ceremony weekend at BK! How amazing is that Mom, right in my lap! I gardened with Enoch and ate with the staff, 3 meals a day. I stayed in a beautiful little room and a fireplace in the lounge. I read and walked and sat on the deck at the dam. I started my diet for the ceremony and ate less and less in preparation for the medicine a week before.
Setting my intention for the healing was easy “who am I”. Who is the real authentic Mandy. What is this “thing” in me that drives this behaviour and keeps me feeling anxious and obsessed?
Where should I be? Why am I rudderless and going around in circles?
On Friday, when all the people arrived, around 27 people I was already getting an unravelling feeling. A jittery feeling knowing that I am moving closer to the answer.
When I packed my things for the ceremony, which were a blanket, bedroll, bucket to purge into, loo paper for snot and tears and a pillow. I saw the little doll that I bought in McGregor. Apparently it was a doll given to traumatised children in the Breede river project. The little doll had a long pixie hat on. The lady I stayed with there told me that it had saved the life of many abused children. She never could have imagined the impact that doll would have. I had been walking around with it since then, and often squeezing it in my hand. I was told to take it with me into the Ceremony. Oh my word, then I knew that it was something I hadn’t dealt with yet and started shaking like something at the end of it’s battery life.
Friday night healing....7pm-2.30am
After medicine, one asks the questions in prayer with the devine covering of the healers singing Icaros, which are Sacred songs of love for God and incantations and blessings for the process of healing for every one of us in the room. It is silent and dark but for them singing.
I snuggled under all of my blankets ready for the journey.
Q...Where should I be?...................A...right here, now.
Q....NO Aya I mean, where should I be now?.......A.....right here, in this moment.
Q....Ok then, What should I be doing in my life?........A....this, this that you are doing now is correct, this is exactly where you should be
Q.....Why is my rudder gone I cant see the direction?......A....I got a vision of myself with my thumb tacked to the floor and I couldn’t go anywhere but around in circles.
Q......What is holding me down?.......A.....I will show you
Q.......I am struggling with finding the release of this “thing”.........A....trust in God, first allow the medicine to heal your physical body.
I could feel the medicine slowly running down my body from my head to my toes and relaxed in the knowledge that I had the whole weekend to get to the point of seeing the truth but probably needed my body to be ready.
A lady started singing the most beautiful song and I saw tendrils on a vine of flowers coming from her mouth and flowing over us all, each in their own silent quest for healing. It soothed and calmed me and made me feel so safe.
The didgeridoo player came to the one end of the hall and played with the dig. Touching the floor. It seemed to resonate through my body and he walked slowly through the middle of the hall with the healing vibration resonating love and compassion. He stopped opposite my mat and as he blew I saw spiders and flowers and coloured shapes coming from the tube.
We prayed and received blessings until 2.30am when we closed and went to sleep.
I felt frustrated and anxious to get answers.
In the room I took as many blankets to cover me and wore 3 layers of clothes. I couldn’t get warm enough.
Saturday eve.....6pm -2.30
After taking the healing medicine I focused hard on the intention
Who am I?
I feel so desperate that I just wanted to die. I am so tired of searching for relief, this is my last chance.
It was freezing and I lay under 4 blankets with a pixie cap and gloves.
I saw Mandy, the little chubby girl with the wild head of hair and right there the lady with the healing voice started to sing. The vines of flowers and curly tendrils smoothed out of her mouth bringing calm relief and soothing the soul.
I felt a dark presence coming down over me like the underbelly of a large ugly insect with long tendrils. I was crying because I knew that I was close but scared to know how it would present.
I blew my nose quietly and as I put the tissue in the bucket my sleeve caught the plastic packet and I ruined the moment, interrupting the beautiful song and jolting everyone out of their reverie. There was a disappointed gasp from 24 people....I felt embarrassed and humbled but immediately was shown that this is exactly the unintentionally disruptive behaviour that was at the root of my “thing”.
The lady thankfully started to sing again. I was shown visuals from that interruption, and then every interruption and disruption and attention seeking thing all the way down 55 years until I got to my delivery with You and Dad and sister Kirstein. I experienced a horror and a tightening of the baby blanket, so tight that I couldn’t breathe and experienced shame over my hairy body and my genitals. Actually I saw that I was very ugly and looked more like a little baboon or hairy fat tarantula. Over the next few months I experienced a deep need for attention and the more I felt ignored the more I cried and the more I was an interruption and a disruption of the young couples life, having 2 tiny children, felt unseen and ignored. Some incidents followed that are too sensitive to discuss but which connected me to my parents as a sort of threesome in spirit. I also understood why I kept interrupting sexual contact between my parents. How did I always know.....I felt left out.
As the heaviness descended I remember the healer saying, no matter what happens, Stay very calm. Explaining that all the healing was spiritual and our physical bodies will be fine. I knew that but everything felt so real. I asked for another drop of the medicine so that I could be brave enough to face the demon and be rid of this “thing”.
I went back, lay down and said, “right, I’m ready, prepared to die to self, I’m done suffering.
Mother Aya said, open your mouth and I did.......I had a little burp and experienced an agonising death of a very ugly and angry cockroach thing as it was dispelled from me. I had a wrenching in my body as if a tree was being uprooted and the tendrils pulling out of me with the same sound and feeling when you pull a big weed out of the ground. My body sort of deflated and felt very raw and empty. I started shaking and Mother Aya said that it was taken from me and that it had been so part of me that I couldn’t see it. Entangled with my pure essence was the trauma of the birthing day and the strengthening feeling of rejection.
I then understood why I insisted on “See me”, “see me”.
I was shown the times when I was obnoxious, showy-offy and attention seeking. I cried for that fat little tot and was humbled deep deep into my soul.
It was so awful to see how many people I had bullied and hurt. I wanted the pictures to stop. I was shown the enormity of the hurt I had caused to get the satisfaction I needed.
Aya showed me that all the signs were there, calling out for healing. The little trauma baby had a long pixie hat and I was shown the fact that I had crocheted 3 such hats in the last week. I was astounded.
Aya also showed me why the wrong people who were drawn to me, were tantalised by the “thing”.
Deeply humbled and drained, I lay crying until the closing blessings.
The ground started to undulate under me and I relaxed on a bed of vibrating concrete.
We were asked to sit up during the protective blessings and benediction.
I vomited nasty stuff into my bucket. It was done.........purged.
I was freezing and again I piled on as many blankets as I could. The skinny woman in my room slept with the duvet only and didn’t seem to feel the cold.
I didn’t sleep very well as the pictures and the lessons continued. It was painful but I was so grateful that I was finally me, the authentic original Mandy.
At breakfast I felt so open and vulnerable. I felt like my body was open and in pain.
I was so cold.
My intention for the third evening was that Mother Aya stitch me back together again and fill the huge hole with love.
Sunday 6pm-3.30am
During this ceremony I relaxed into the healing knowing that what I had come for had been attained.
I snuggled under the blankets, ready for journey work.
Mother Aya told me to contain my energy. To hold things and not dissipate energy by watching nonsense and violence which drains energy away, to stay with the spirit, to be in the moment, and walk and talk with care.
We all lay under the Icaros melodies and listened as Aya administered healing and knowledge into our hearts and bodies.
The evening was reverent and sacred......a deep soft and quiet respect for the divine energy and the journeys we had already had.
I saw one of my spirit guides, an Apache chief on a horse at the far end of the room.
He had appeared in a reiki session before regarding abandonment. I was grateful for his confirming presence.
I had a deep sense of connection and was filled with a gentle love for myself and had a wonderful conversation regarding life and the lessons I had learned were confirmed for me by Aya.
My hands were getting itchy and my body grew warm. I threw off the blankets and felt the reality in my body of quiet powerful energy.
Lifting my hands into the air, I asked Mother Aya if she could bless me with healing.
I asked what I should do next.
