All of me...Ayahuasca Jhb

I felt called to do an Ayahuasca ceremony. I couldn't get to my pain. A few friends had spoken about it and I was so drawn. I wanted to experience it in the most authentic way and decided that I would sell my car and fly to the jungle. I had watched some footage and knew this would release me from my demons.

I got a call from a friend to say that there would be a ceremony, if I was serious, in Johannesburg in a few weeks and a Shaman was coming from Peru. Taking ayahuasca he knew, was no joke. A mindblowing expansion that one may not be prepared for and once you're on that rollar coaster you can't get off for several hours. I was serious and booked my place.

I decided to do a waterfast for three days before ceremony, which may have been, in hindsight, a bit renegade.

A shamanic friend had asked 3 days before, where I held my pain? I indicated my pelvic area - it felt as if I was carrying hard black rocks tied around me.

The group arrived at the huge house the night before, for a greet and blessing before the ceremony the next evening. We stood in a loose circle and in a quiet room the shaman stood in front of each participant and blessed them. He stood and looked right into my eyes and pointed his finger at my pelvis. He said his blessing over me and finished blessing the circle. We all left silently to set our intentions for the ceremony.

On arrival, I saw a huge room with a beautiful shiney wooden floor through large glass doors. We were led outside into a vast garden where silent participants stood or sat smiling and ready. We nodded greetings and I was taken in to choose a spot against the wall, to lay out my bedroll, blanket and cushion, to position my bucket, water and tissues.

There were already others sitting quietly on their stations. The Shamans with assistants were quietly chanting and cleansing the area. 

The lights were dimmed and candles quivered. The air was thick with expectancy and reverence, smudge and Palo Santo (holy wood)

We were led in a meditation for 20 minutes. Everyone was connected. One by one the participants went to the front to take their blessed drink and return to their bedroll.

Eyes closed and waiting for another 20 or so minutes for the journey to begin, my heart was beating so hard, I was trying to breath deeply and relax. 

A call for another drink to deepen the experience and I took another portion.

I don't remember getting back to my bedroll.

Someone was crying so deeply, body cracked by heaves of sorrow and the Shamans were singing the most beautiful songs and chanting, chanting.....they were around me, very close by.

The moment I realised that it was me crying I was transported to the middle of a veld. I was lost, I couldn't see anything but dry golden grass, that was taller than I was. "Look up", she said in a beautiful clear voice. . "There is a bigger picture", I looked up at the blue sky, there were no clouds. "Dont blame them, its bigger than that". My friend had said that if I got lost in my journey that I must call for Sheba. So I did, Sheba, Sheba I called and a huge German Shepard came through the grass. He lay down with me and I was filled with joy. My sister came through the grass and said, you think you're the Queen of Sheba, and stroked his fur. 

I was in the chair of a hairdresser. She was teasing my hair for my Aunts wedding, my sister and I were flowergirls. I was babbling and very hyped up, "this little bitch just won't shut up!" I stopped in my tracks it cut so deep. "It's not her fault", Mother Aya placed in my heart an understanding of the hairdresser and showed me that I had held this to me and now I could let it go.

I was under my babysitter, I could smell her French kiss and feel her hands.

"Look up, rise out of it", Mother Aya comforting instruction.

My dad was hitting me, fearfully cringing and confused, "Look up, it's not his fault, he doesn't know" There's more, it's bigger than him.

Each incident was replaced with Joy.  Aya showed me that I was hiding my little girls in a zipperbag around my pelvis.....keeping them there, heavy as rocks....

I was aware of angels with me for the whole journey. I thanked Mother Aya for my children and my human angels, I felt so grateful.

All of me

Come back to me
my little girls
my shattered self

Jump on my lap
be cuddled warm body
hug me tight and giggle softly
you're safe in my arms tonight

Piggy back child
Where did you hide?
cling tightly to me

There's another under the bed
no need to be scared

Run into my heart
sweet dark haired child
I'll lift you up on high
I'll hold your hand
protect your plan
fill your eyes with love

Come back to me
my little girls
the lost one and the lonely
they'll never laugh at you again
riding on my shoulders

I'll put them back where they belong
these sacred parts of me...

MgM (c)

Slay the Dragon

My eyes turn to find the shadow
Sitting on my side that turns away to hide
Come out you dark and disgusting thing,
cowardly courteous sulking smugly sick sacrilege
Your stench is sour and surly, suggesting sin.
I'm free and I'm whole!
Take that slap and this one too...
 I'm perfect!
and with it your gormless guilt.
Sis on you evil enemy, draping perfect beings with shame, covering their beauty
Short lived shadow that falls away completely at loves bright and even slightest beam.