This would be a good way to supplement my income and it looks like fun, yes? Let me put it this way - it"s different...
The Casting:
A casting notification is e-mailed to you a day in advance.
The very first casting you get you'll probably phone everyone you know telling them how you're going to be on tv.
You arrive well coiffed and buffed, so excited and highly strung that all of the 30-100 faces in the room look at you knowing that you're definately on SOMETHING.
You fill out an artiste's form and get a corresponding label, it's big and sticky, pasted onto your chest - number 35.
You wait, the first time with strained eyes watching as the door opens and shuts on 34 hopeful people. One looks around to assess the "competition" and thinks that you're home free, cause they'll never consider this overweight scruffy lady sitting right next to you with the beige linen. Your number is called and in your minds eye you may see some flashing lights and hear Oscar's theme tune in your head. When you enter, all you see is a bent head and a voice that looks up with dead eyes and says "look at the camera please - name, age and agency?" - you answer. "Right profile please" - you turn at face the door. "Left profile please" - you turn and face the wall.
"Right! your husband is coming home for supper and you have to greet him happily at the door. Start on this x", she says pointing to a taped x on the floor. "There's the door", she says pointing to the window. "Right......aaand ACTION!", she says from behind the camera. She looks up with a bland look on her face "again", and puts the face away "aaaand ACTION!" You wait, she signs, looks up and says "thanx your done, NEXT."
At this point you have no clue of what the procedure is. The secretary explains, "If you're in we'll call your agent". It's truly the strangest feeling. It's not about how well you're turned out, it's not about how keen you are and when you see the ad on tv with the scruffy overweight lady in the beige linen walking a dog for discovery health, you realise that no, you didn't get the job"
When I go for castings now, I check the brief, I go as I am, I take a book and I relax and watch the newbies come in and I wonder what they're on, cause they have to be on SOMETHING.
The Shoot:
To be there at 5am you have to have a 3.30am wake-up call.
You arrive, drink copious amounts of coffee.
Sit for make-up and wait.
After a few hours they call your part.
Then they ask your name and give you the brief.
You smile and walk and tickle the (your) child, shopping for fruit over a 4meter distance.
You reverse the trolley.
You do this again.
You reverse and repeat about five times.
Then the extras come in and we repeat the process.
When your lip is quiverring from smiling, and only then......."Right rehearsal done, lets roll!"
"ACTION!"................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
Gladys you looked at the camera!
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
Mandy don't dip your head, we want to see you!
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
Sammy darling smile and shinings eyes!
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
A little slower everyone!
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
That was faaaar too slow
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
Darling to the left, to the LEFT!
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
SMILE people!
"ACTION!.................rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr "CUT!"
"OK guys lets break for lunch and we'll check the footage".
Sighs of relief all around.
"Please wear a cover over your clothes!"
The lunch is welcome and healthy and as I'm reaching for my favourite salad, Jacquie from wardrobe leans over grabs the bowl announcing "NO BEETROOT FOR THE CAST PLEASE!"
