It all started in December 2023
I've always enjoyed a good sneeze. I woke up happy to be on leave for December and felt a sneeze coming on. This is a good one. So I waited as it came up. I held my nose and rounded my back pulling it deep into me. Instead of the delicious explosion in my torso, I felt an explosion of pain. I could hardly move and called on a friend in tears. I was helped into her car and lay on the back seat in agony. The doctor prodded around and gave me a shot, painkillers and an instruction to stay on my back for five days. Unbeknown to me, I had cracked T11, a thoracic vertebra in my spine. My bones were compromised. I would only come to the diagnosis 6 months later.
I had been an avid walker and for years would easily walk 12 kilometers to Muizenberg and back. The walks became shorter and shorter. I started resting for coffee breaks, then stopped to swim at Dalebrook which was closer. After a while my back was too sore and I eventually didn’t feel like it at all. A walk to the beach two blocks from my flat was enough and I sat watching the walkers from the bench.
My back was aching. I did some stretching and eventually the morning ritual of getting out of bed was agony with flames of pain and I needed to hold onto my thighs to stand. Sitting at the office for eight hours I became restless, nauseas and I could not get comfortable. I changed my chair and went for short walks and felt extremely irritable. I went to see my doctor and did all blood tests, x-rays and an ultrasound which was all I could afford. Everything looked normal but for some spurs on lubar vertebrae which was normal for my age. A darling friend did some touch and light massage for me but nothing. I was getting nasty. At night I listened to spiritual podcasts and came across Bashar, messenger channeled by Darryl Ancha- follow your highest joy without an expected outcome kept coming at me from all angles. I'm at retirement age without a plan and no financial backing and I decided that if anything is a step of faith that I am on a path to enlightenment this would be it - my financial stress for the future. I penned my resignation and felt elated, six months after the sneeze. This was it. No plan, no monthly income but a deep desire to follow my heart.
My back continued to plague me and only got worse. I couldn’t sit without help. I couldn’t stand without help. Have you looked at what's happening energetically?, asked a dear friend. I meditated. Bashar - We try to do the work of the higher self and work it out instead of just simply living our highest passion trusting that we are in the perfect place.
In the light of feeling like I could not forgive my family I felt like I was being pinned down to my bed until I got it. The strong picture of Mother Aya when she said in an Ayahuasca ceremony, Let it go, look up, there's a bigger picture.
Everyone is on their own journey, making their own mistakes, hurting people as you have hurt people. Have you said sorry?
The Guilt and The Humbling - chatting to my guides
"I don't know what to do to get past this?"
What do you want to do?
"Die, I want to die and do everyone a favour, but they will feel guilty for the rest of their lives and I can't hurt them even more than I have already"
How magnanimous of you!
"I don't want to to hurt anyone but I end up doing just that and I feel terrible, sick"
So do both. Die to the ego self that thinks she's wise and cleverer than most, enough to poke your finger in everyone's lives because you think you know better. Giving everyone advice you think they need. How dare they turn on you! ....and then you become the bigger victim. Die to the victim who's beating her chest saying look at me, look at how much I've suffered. They didn't love me! Scorpio backlash will make them sorry...
But we love you and if you can fathom just how much, then you will let the anger go. The 'need' to be loved when you already are. More than you will ever know.
We love you...
So you asked us to help you and we are here to show you..
So you can rise again out of those ashes
MgMusings
I went to the Sufi Temple in Newlands for a dear friend's memorial service and his daughter stopped me and told me the Guru Sardhatha story of the thief dressed as a policeman who comes to tell you what you did wrong and to judge you. I thought of how automatically this happens and then we’re in judgement of ourselves all the time. To develop an awareness so delicate of when you feel scolded or whipped by guilt and shame and to say, no, I choose joy. To be keenly aware when the policeman's finger starts wagging, holding the paper fine, condemning you. To take the paper from him and separate it apart as thin as tissue paper letting the wind carry it away. There is no condemnation. There is no judgement. Choose joy.
I call on St. Germain, bathed in violet light, Joe Dispenza meditation, Bruce Lipton, back pain and searching, asking for help. Ask for help.
I often find myself between a rock and a hard place.....
It's because I care for both the rock and the hard place....
How to decide? so I hover between them - stuck....
I cry and howl I feel so deeply for both and see their merits...
The moment I decide to choose between the rock or the hard place, the struggle is over...
Whichever one I chose is a preference, and a tiny step forward...
When everything is lost and you are stuck, turn to the softest hard place as quickly as you can and you'll soon find relief...
LOVE
Four simple symbols -
a right angle, a circle,
a protractor
and a tiny graph,
spell a word
that describes a feeling
so expansive it embraces the cosmos.
The tiny equation that germinates and swells in the heart.
A Devine formula that makes your eyes shine.
Quantum perfection = a tiny miracle.
Just four little symbols - L O V E
MgMusings
My back doesn’t let up. My upstairs neighbour pops in to tell me that he’ll be doing some work with a jackhammer the next day. My face is grey with pain and he encourages me to get to the hospital, which would “kill two birds with one stone”. I realised how terrified I was of landing in a government hospital but had no choice and no money and was in the queue the next morning by 6am. Again all the blood tests, x-rays, prick and strips with no real evidence of anything except some spurs on my spine relative to my age. I had a shot that helped for a while and shared my snacks with all the other ladies and felt humbled.
I use the strong pain killers and meds and move on to Ginger poultice and Castor oil packs for 8 hours at a time. I bind the dark entities in Jesus' name and call on Archangel Raphael for healing. I bought a massager and massaged my back and torso which made the pain worse.
Who do you think has stabbed you in the back?
There's an unresolved issue.I can't let it go. I see them all sitting on a low stone wall at the edge of the cliff facing me.
So what are you going to do?
I assume he wants me to forgive them, that love is the way but I am angry and feel betrayed. I go up to each of them and wag my finger in their face. I tell each of them how they hurt me and with a hard finger push each backward over the edge. I ask a friend, is telling someone to fuck off the same as letting go?
Two more weeks on my bed. Seven months after the sneeze. My son calls on a Friday morning and I break. I can't do this anymore. He alerts my daughter who left work immediately and was at my flat in half an hour and we were on our way to Constantiaberg Mediclinic.
We spent the day in the Emergency room and had a consultation with the doctor on call and perturbed by the “pain only but can’t pinpoint it” he suggested a CT scan. My daughter and I looked at each other. I didn’t have the funds for a CT scan out of hospital. She told him to go ahead and book it and told me that between the three of them they had begun a fund for family emergencies just like this one. I was gobsmacked and so proud and grateful and off we went for the CT scan. Back in the emergency room we waited for the doctor to return and he did, with the Oncologist in tow.
They looked bleak and let me know that the breast cancer had metastasized to the bone and I had cancer lesions on my spine, ribs, shoulder, skull, pelvis and top of the trochanter (the ball of the femur)
https://thelifeofmgm.blogspot.com/2021/04/after.html (breast cancer) I had five years of grace.
My eldest son and his wife arrived and between us shed tears and were in shock - what now? My daughter was 8 months pregnant and still working but they bound together to support me. I had a long call with my middle son and every day we chatted and he made plans to fly down with his wife and daughter.
I was taken in for an emergency MRI scan at 10.30pm - the radiologist was called back from her home. My daughter-in-love stood quietly by my side with her hand on my arm. I felt very supported. As the mask was placed on my face and the procedure started, I closed my eyes and relaxed my whole body. I emptied my mind and called on St. Germain. I called on the violet light and it surrounded me. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES. I relaxed some more. I’m in an MRI chamber and I have Cancer. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES. Relax, breath. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES. Over and over again, gently, calmly. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES.
The neurosurgeon looked at the scan and decided that the cracked T11 was tight enough to leave be and no op was necessary.
I thought while they were about it they could:
Plant two wing seeds in my back,
so that I can fly.
Miracles only happen
when there's evidence of futility.
All is in place.
Be still.
The journey on this toxic earth isn't meant to be forever.
It's for the overcoming of it,
It's for practicing peace
in the face of dark places.
We will all rise again.
MgMusings
I was in a ward by midnight with tea and a sarmie. I spent a week there getting on top of the pain which brought my blood pressure down. I stayed for another 10 days for radiation which was done on the T11 and the ribs on the right side.
The first week was very full of flowers and well wishers and love - can love be overwhelming?, I suppose yes, as I had to manage my strength and had to put a lot of people off. One feels guilty. It's interesting the diverse ways of dealing with a seriously ill person. I have a child that has the softest heart, a gentle giant, but doesn’t cry, he said he’d be my rock - and he has been. We organised my will, we went to the bank to link my accounts. The other son can chat at the edge of pain, cry and express the deep emotions that I too was feeling, really get to the painful edge of it. My daughter keeps me grounded. She manages, organises and works out ways to make things work, the medical aid admin. and her pain. I know she hurts and is scared to lose me, they all are.
When my son and his wife and my granddaughter arrived from Johannesburg we talked about life and death and loss. We lay on the bed chatting, laughing and crying.
I was determined to stay in my flat. I hadn’t had a TV for all the time in Fish Hoek and the children bought and installed a huge screen to my wall. I can literally lie in bed all day and scroll with my own remote - I have done all my meditations and some sound sessions from the big screen in the dark. The effect is amazing.
I arranged for domestic help to clean once a week and do a load of washing. I had a walker, and a back brace and was told not to drive. The car was taken to my daughters house to get it sold, no point in wasting time. I had so many visitors, flowers and phone calls, I had to make a calendar and four people a day was my max - I was held and loved and eventually everything calmed down to the nearest and dearest sister friends. My family flew over from Australia and also from Johannesburg - I felt very blessed.
The adjustment to this new idea of another cancer, the 'endgame' cancer and being alone faced one at night in isolation. I have come to believe that my isolation has been essential for my journey within.
I have always said that the truth will rise no matter how much you try and hold it down. Clearing old hurts and resentments are the same - they cannot be held in the body, well not in mine, I’m a scorpio, I need full disclosure. I'm investigating within myself, the relationship between unforgiveness and anger, the harboring of stinky old memories and dis-ease. There is a process of how I save up these "happenings" - now after many years and with stage 4 metastasis bone CA, I'm unpacking the storage cupboard of preserves labeled, "she did this to me", "he did this to me" - it's all stored in my body....unpacking that cupboard is restorative in my spirit for sure, (after the painful extraction of it) but I'm interested to see how much of a difference it will make in my body.
The Healing - A collaboration
I weave a nest of hurt,
soft and pliable,
round and round in intricate circles.
Plucking soft heart strings of pain.
Safely saving them together in a tightening
Round of hidden hurts.
A nest of secrets and misunderstandings that I don't speak about.
I save them in my heart and leave them there for years.
A skin grows over the nest of carefully gathered pain.
I will protect it. I steer clear of disturbing it.
The life in the gathered threads gives off liquid that becomes a little steam pot of molten rage. It's trapped.
Hotter and hotter it gets and tightly bulges under the skin.
Brewing.
The colour of it changes and it becomes a painful reminder of unfinished business.
My skin starts to glisten and the now brittle twigs, devoid of life, dig sharply into my flesh, calling my attention.
I'm afraid to touch it.
On some deep level, the bull is drawn and returns to the very place of unfinished business.
Softened by struggle, hard work and age and meaning well, nudges a sharp horn into the center of it.
After an outlet of agony, rage and pain the long brewing mound explodes
The gentle old bull jumps back in surprise, staring at the mass released from my heart all over my scarred tattooed chest.
We look at each other feeling stunned.
MgMusings
I normally would take a cannabis biscuit every night to sleep and now had some lovely tranquillisers. My counter was full of boxes of Oxy and morphine derivatives, anti inflammatory and steroids. A big box of colon motivation because I wasn't allowed to “compress” and a bag of nappies in the cupboard in case there was degeneration of the bones around the pelvis rendering me incontinent. This is the predicted progression. That and maybe breaking your pelvis or falling and snapping your spinal column rendering you paralysed from that place down. At some point one will be bedridden. I somewhere in my distant past remember wishing I could stay in bed all day and watch television……and here I am.
There's lots of time to think, to go over and over how unfair life has been and who has hurt me. To separate out the feelings so that I can look at them one by one and get emotional poison out of my body. I had to ask for forgiveness from a long list of people. So many tears.
Ho'oponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness that involves expressing remorse, asking for forgiveness, expressing gratitude, and expressing love in order to heal and transform relationships. It aims to bring about healing, understanding, and connection within oneself and with others.
Shift
The dregs of life get stuck in the grid around my heart,
Unforgiveness hides in the dark and becomes bitter,
The grey silt of sadness settles in the cracks and thickens,
filling spaces meant for expansion.
Hurt turns to resentment, the sticky slime becomes pervasive,
The flow slows down to small mean releases, controlled and calculated to minimize pain,
Seeping through calcified memories of old
bones to pick.
Life on a hair trigger has sucked me dry.
When I lift the lid on it, rip off the cover, open everything to the light,
the debris collapses under its own weight.
Years of stinking thought patterns,
long coddled unfounded perceptions, all this poison is swept away by a torrent of love, relief and gratitude.
The banked up dreams push forward with force, bright and clear, settling into a stream of peace.
Joy smells good to everyone.
MgMusings
I have a friend, a very powerfully spiritual lady that will come and manage VSED for a softer exit. I have a directive, Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking - there are TED talks, you basically stop eating and drinking as is very normal at the endpoint of life when you just can't and don’t feel like it. In 2 weeks you’ll be sleeping most of the time and transition very comfortably in another week or so. I have another death dulah friend who lets me know when the portals are ready for me. My friend from Joy for Life has helped hundreds of HIV sufferers over the line. We have long chats and these stories bring me so much peace, it becomes the natural progression. It is that…..but we don’t actually ever add it to life experience as something that we will have to journey through, one way or the other.
Death is a relief for some and grief for others, like an impossible "Sophie's choice". Is it my duty to fight to stay with the living that we love and adore so much - watching from a distance because my jobs are done and I am there just to love and support but not to speak, or should I join the host of loved ones gone before, who will welcome me with open arms.
The great dilemma. Knowing that the grief is heartbreaking for those left with pieces of their hearts in hands that can't put it all together again - hearts wishing they had done more but didn't- there is no blame, only love and human nature and survival.
I am going to join the host of angels and meet all the loved ones gone before.
My tiny flat is my cocoon but I think one also has a choice ultimately, or do they?
Today a friend sent me the blessing of a "healing miracle" and asked if I would accept it, and of course I did, I had to accept her gift....how could I not.
There's a but, have I chosen to go this way?
Too much sadness, too much trauma, too much longing, do I even want a miracle?
I want to go home...my job is done, but is it? Will we ever know?
I think it's just a 'heen en weer'
"Die wiegie in die boom"
The reality behind the screen.
What's really and what isn't, when in fact it all is real......
One day at a time....I think my questioning is "how much is our choice?"
Can I just relax and let things happen or do I have a responsibility to have a specific mindset that can change an outcome?
Other Death Options
When I reach that dark place
and I'm holding onto the bed
to prevent myself from getting up to select an escape route
Hold on till the sun rises
just hold on till the sun comes up
that's all.....
just till the sun comes up,
even if it's behind a raincloud
I beg you
I beg you
In the dark place I was looking at what I can't do anymore
Judging myself for what I didn't do,
the mistakes I made and bargaining with the gods to return to the old self because I certainly can't live like this?
I can't live like this
Ask for help
An angel will appear and hold your hand
I know this now
He told me that there is purpose
He told me that I am worthy
He told me that I was much stronger than I gave myself credit for
He told me to look at what I can do
It doesn't have to be a handstand or a 5 minute plank
I can do a small kindness
I can inspire someone
I can encourage bravery when there is fear
I can hold on till the sun rises
MgMusings
I have an angel friend who is always up at 3am and I have called on her at that time - how amazing is that. This web of special people that hold me up.
My darling Reiki sister in Pretoria said, “Ek kan dit nie glo nie dolla, dis nie reg nie, ek voel jy’d nog baie om te doen hier”
Another friend just won’t accept it and I’ve processed that and maybe I should do the same?
Listen
Flashing white light at the windows
and I'm alert to the 3am orchestra.
A whip cracks in the dark sky
followed closely by a deep rumble.
The wind slaps the chimes to sound like breaking glass as rain pelts down.
My ears are ringing and I wonder
If I'm too close to my router or
If there's a cricket under my bed?
The kitchen clock ticks like a reliable metronome, gentle and steady.
The fridge adds just one long confident hum.
Plopping water sounds in big drops from the gutters.
The wind comes back around looking for loose ends and shakes the avo tree.
My front door shudders.
A big dog barks far away.
The rain becomes steady, like hundreds of rice grains in a rain stick.
Listen.
MgMusings
3am thoughts
I play my part on a stage full of actors
There's a lover, a husband, a friend and a servant
There's a king and a queen, with a back door for paupers
Oh yes, I'd like to play the queen,
or even Mary Magdalene
Smiling over tea I 'gently' gossip, as long as we both agree
I'll choose to be offended, I lean in to tell you why
A part with claut, that's what it's about
and what will I be wearing?
No one wants to be the tree or the sheep kneeling at the manger,
The stage is set, the curtains quiver
pomp and pageantry and pride
Butler, baker, candlestick maker
and girl with her paper in the wings are the last things on my mind
Oblivious to all who play their part
Until I forget my lines
MgMusings
Being on the be eighty percent of my day was hard and I started to feel that if I didn't go and see my grandchildren in Somerset West I would pop. I arranged a very expensive driver and spent the day with my daughter, brand new granddaughter and grandson. I had come to the decision to take my car home. To drive it home myself. I had run over it in my mind, it can't be that difficult, just like sitting in a chair.
I didn't tell my daughter the plan until the late afternoon. I was nervous but readjusting my seat and hugging the driving column between my knees, with my elbow resting on the center console, I made it. It was so exhilarating and I felt that even if I only drove once a week, it felt like I was more independent. After that victory I drove myself to consultations and have driven to see them every week for the day - this has been so important for me.
I tried to walk without the brace and eventually forgot where I put it and have never worn it again.
I have taken to driving down to the beach in the early morning and I swim if the water is flat. I look like an alien with my flat tattooed chest (I swim topless) and don a life jacket I used when I was paddling for a dragon boat club at the VnA in the years after the mastectomy. A martian walking into the sea.
Everything is exactly as it should be....
There is no condemnation,
No guilt,
No judgement,
No right time or wrong time,
There are no mistakes in the flow of a river....
No words,
Only bliss
....and seeing that there is no time or distance,
I saw you but a moment ago,
and you are here with me now
MgMusings
I have a walker and used it a lot in the first week, feeling vulnerable and weak. I use it now only to fetch groceries at the Pick and Pay over the road. I can't pick up more than 2 kilos. One makes a plan and the plan becomes a normal part of everyday practical living.
When approaching a pedestrian crossing cars stop more abruptly sometimes even a little screech of tyres. Thank you! The last time that happened I was 14 in a mini skirt.
I have seen people I've known for years decide to change direction abruptly.
A human u-turn is a funny thing to behold.
I have not gone blind overnight.
Reading becomes all encompassing that not even the rattle of wheels can distract. In restaurants the menus are lifted but there is the odd peeping.
I have decided to put bells and whistles on my walker.......an early warning system
even though cancer isn't contagious at all, not like covid
I was surprised when the chemist was offended when I said, "these pills are so expensive, I hope I don't die before I get to use them all"
So many angels come my way and all are fun and light and appear at perfect junctions.......there is so much love.
Not one of my angels is afraid to speak of death, end of life or transitioning.
This is not the time to distract oneself, the process is real.
Everyone of us is walking towards this end with or without a walker.
MgMusings
The Solar Plexus Chakra is the seat of your personal power, your will, your self-esteem and your energy. It drives your ability to 'choose', to take action, to define where your boundaries are in all areas of your life and to defend them. The healer led the meditation and was taking me back and back and asking, who took your power? Go back, go back until you can see. I got the picture of our abusive babysitter in my mind and although I was very aware of it, I had blanked her out of my mind but never actually confronted it spiritually. Here it was, this personal power explosion and the flooding of confidence. Restored. I think one can take responsibility for everything when in your own personal power. No condemnation, no guilt and no judgement. She continued with the eternity sign to criss-cross over the sternum area and circling around the ribs and said, “don’t forget that it runs right through to the back.” Right over the T11 vertebrae that had cracked! She broke me. This was a huge turning point for me. The change it brought made me think strongly that all the emotional issues are so important to the healing of one body. I am a fan of Gabor Mate, "When the body says NO" and the PTSD therapy, BWRT "The body keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. https://thelifeofmgm.blogspot.com/2023/02/bwrt-brain-working-recursive-therapy.html
I have always been a keen believer that my own immune system works well for me, why not now? The next day a friend brought me yellow flowers and an angelic neighbour brought 50 tiny gold, black and yellow butterflies to decorate my wall next to my bed. There are no mistakes. Everything is connected.
I had been using a pill that was extremely expensive (20 000) per month. The children were generously paying out of their fund every month. My cancer markers had come down nicely, I was doing a bone strengthening drip and moving forward slowly. I lost a lot of weight and would often just bring the food right up again after eating at night. After 30 minutes my eyes would track a long line behind them if I looked from one side to another. It felt like there were thin black threads everywhere. This wasn’t bad. The pill would affect the heart if anything and I would get the odd palpitation. I had to go for an ECG before starting them and a month after, just to make sure. I had been on them for 5 months and had agreed to a 6 month tryout. The consultant to the Oncologist seemed to think I could never stop them. There is that thought that when I stop the super pill I'll go down the road I would have if I didn't take treatment anyway. I wasn’t comfortable with that. I was at the beach looking at the waves in December and decided that I wouldn't take the next chemo pill prescription.
My children seem to understand me and although they would never want me to, or give me permission to stop treatment or make my own way out, they would respect my wishes. We’ve had plenty of chat around this and it makes me feel extremely supported. I have assured them that if someone finds me unresponsive in my flat, that I hadn’t done anything to myself. If I was at that juncture, I would call them all to me and tell them my next plan.
Follow your heart
That's all there is
Sometimes there's resistance
Some won't understand
But close your eyes and look inward
Your gut feel is real
Not your hunger or your want
But a deep sense of
what you need to do next
Rest quietly there for a bit
In the knowledge that you are loved
And then Walk gently
into the unfolding
MgMusings
I got huge pushback from my childhood family about this decision. I refuse to arm wrestle and there was some fallout. I'm so grateful to my mom who drove me to and from all the consultations and lay on my bed in the winter months watching movies.
When I was going through my Breast Cancer journey, I did it alone, chemo sessions, consultations, the lot. Only my children were in on the details. Everyone in the rest of the family thought how well I’d sailed through it……now everything has settled down. Not everyone will make the same choices when in a similar situation so I don't expect everyone to understand..... and that's ok. No guilt, no judgement, no condemnation. Just love.
Own control
Fight for the right to decide
What you put into your body
Fight for the right to decide
What you take out of your body
Fight for the right to think for yourself
Fight for the right to be heard
The other issue that seems to pop its head up is the strong religious stance on where we go when we shed our mortal coil. I wrote this just to secure my stance that I will be flying with the angels and living in pure love and joy, free from the bounds of the body and eventually done with this earthly journey.
Divine Gift
Archangel Michael weaves a cocoon
to keep me safe from falling.
He's been to see me,
held me tight,
when grieving broke my heart,
in the dark of one sad night.
Yeshua has been sent to me,
He helped me through some fears
I've entered scary places
where he was a shield and guide.
St. Germain brings the violet light
assurance of the fact,
that all is taken care of,
that there are no mistakes.
Been on a trip to middle earth
when I couldn't understand
what life was all about.
Gaia greeted me, with my guides,
to show me that the journey
is well worth it and showered me with light.
You and I are born loved and devine.
- worthy, we exist.
It's not an easy journey
but blessed and seen,
I know we're all daily held.
Don't forget to ask for help,
Your guides are always nearby.
MgMusings
So I know there's an end to it, for all of us. I do believe in spontaneous and miraculous healing of any and every illness. I don't insist on it but if I move the death to one side for a moment as its a given so there's no point in keeping my eyes on it. It could happen tonight or next month or next year, so why not have some fun. Put this aside. There are now so many things to explore.
What is pain? Am I in pain? I feel the throbbing ribs and think that they are only throbbing. If they are crumbling then yes, that's in line with what I know. I don’t have to fear the throbbing.
My back aches but is it pain?…..if I look at it in my mind's eye and relax the area and tell myself that it's not necessary to be fearful, then it really seems less evident. I have a little bottle of 100% thc (cannabis) and morphine derivatives that keep me above it and a little extra cant hurt.
My Reiki healer friend called and we both got chills down our spines. I have two pieces of art in my flat, beautiful canvases of my back (photographic), showing my spine. Is this relevant? It feels like it is……..I have other artwork where two Africans are sitting opposite each other playing Marabaraba and they have artistic markings along their spines. I see it and I smile.
There are no mistakes.
Mandy, Love is the only medicine you need right now,
Love isn't like mushy peas
All soft and gooey.
Love will never patronize you.
Love be like a fresh green pea,
straight from the pod, bright and clear and true. Full of nutrients - good for you!
Love is disciplined, never sloppy.
Love wants you to stand tall even if it's hard. Love will energize you.
Love will challenge you to be authentic.
Love is clarity not confusion.
Love is simple, never convoluted.
Love is honest even if it hurts but never secretive. Love is open, open, open.
Love for another can feel like grief, so deep and penetrating but you will sparkle with it not crumble.
Love is deep joy.
MgMusings
There's a Nick Polizzi (Sacred Science) movie about 8 people who go into the Amazon Jungle to be healed. They take natural medicines and Ayahuasca. There's a part where the healer speaks about rejecting your disease, inadvertently rejecting your own body....hating the parts of you that are sick....food for thought.
Full acceptance for what is and embracing the journey.
I wrote a message to the Peruvian shaman that did my first Ayahuasca ceremony in Pretoria and he wrote back:
“Bless your real self, Mandy. God and Nature will restore your organic normality, bless your real self Mandy” My whole body responded. What a blessing!
Thank you for the sacred Blessing.
Encouraging words interpreted by the receivers ear are like a magical spell.
Taking into consideration all the variations of lives lived, hearts hurt, generational history and loved ones lost, the very same perfectly simple words can explode in the heart of one, on a level that no-one else can fathom. Seemingly simple words to another, but Life is not simple.
The words reach into places we have forgotten the promises of.
They explode and all of a sudden we know that miracles will happen.
After all the pain, we understand that love will always win, that we are worthy to receive.
Worthy to exist.
A few words can lodge deep into our hearts and miracles are borne.
I'm not about to drain my children's funds to keep me on my bed for some more years, while there are new lesions on my ribs. I'm happy that when my contract is done I will be released. If death is inevitable why keep trying to stare it down? I will enjoy every encounter in between. Miracles big and small happen on a daily basis, syncronisities that will make your toes curl.
I am supported. Its not important to survive at all costs. I must change, I must soften, I must grow. Resist nothing.
A good friend brokered my UIF. I received a wonderful gift from my brother. Lifts to the hospital with my mom. Friends have come and flowers have appeared. I have a large net of connected "sistas", who have rallied around me, popped up at the perfect time, allowed me to cry, allowed me to question. Healers and angels bringing joy, ladies who resonate. An angel supported me when I had my first swim, the trifle and the chats. Some encouraging me to write and all are solid sounding boards. Long discussions about life and death and wild ideas about the universe and alien life forms, all around a table without fear of judgement. My friend in Pretoria inspired my Santiago Fantasy, we had a good laugh. My "sistas" in Pretoria always there for a chat. Ruth calls, where the pain? and sure enough she's spot on. We say goodbye and I know that she's there. My 3am angel, encouraging me through pain and tears. Calls from Germany, messages from a friend in the Phillipines and Australia. School friends at the beach, friends for years and now friends for life!
Let go, Let go, Let's go! Life is Good.
I'm very sore right now
and I'm also very high.
The realisation of how amazing it all is,
fills my heart with so much joy
and appreciation, for everything.
The journey so far has been epic
and I'm looking forward to what's next.
The roller coaster of a lifetime
and parables to tell....
I have so much!
I feel like that little red fish.
The thin filament of shiny red paper
that curled up in your hand when it got warm.
It came in a lucky packet
The "fortune teller miracle fish".
That's how I feel!
I feel like that little red fish
Ecstatic!
